Micki's Musings

Last night, I could not sleep. And it wasn't the usual rough night for me where I take a while to fall asleep and then wake up frequently throughout the night, it was that I was unable to fall asleep at all. I lay in bed for hours, trying to breathe, meditate, relax, talk to God, identify what it was that was keeping me awake.  I still could not feel comfortable and get relaxed enough for my mind to let go. This has not been such an issue for me since the time I was in the midst of high levels of trauma. I am currently in the opposite of trauma, and maybe that is the problem. I am typing this from the deck of a 4 million dollar house boat in one of the most beautiful, serene places in the world. I am dating a wonderful man who is helping make these experiences happen for me. I am surrounded by people who are motivated, ambitious, successful, and are making dreams come true for themselves and others. I am inspired and feeling capable that I am now and will become just as successful

7/2/23 In the middle of making dinner today, I was sent on a scripture chase. The first section I opened up to was the word yoke in the Bible dictionary. I was encouraged to yoke myself to the Savior and he will lighten my load always. Next, I opened to the miracle of the widow and the oil, telling me that my physical needs will be provided for. Then, I turned to the part where the prophet Elisha blessed the woman to have a son. When the son was hurt and passed away, Elisha came and healed him. Those I love will be taken care of. Lastly, I turned to read about the army of Helamen where they had testimony given them that the Lord will give them all they need. This is what I've been asking for. This is what I've been given. As I have faith to apply it in my life, I will have all that I possibly can and more. 7/30/23 I'm on my way. I've received an opportunity to work for an attorney which will provide for my family in plenty while I continue to build my financial planning

This week, my scripture study has been on the resurrection of Jesus Christ . Our discussion during Sunday school focused partly on death and decay and how that's part of the process of life. Quite a few members of my ward are elderly, so this theme was handled a little tongue-in-cheek as many are feeling the effects of physical limitations and aging bodies and minds. We also discussed what would happen to us if the resurrection never took place. There is a scripture in 2 Nephi chapter 9 that discusses how we would essentially be in hell for the rest of our existence if we could not be resurrected. We would exist as Satan exists.  I rolled this around in my mind and wondered why even those spirits who were righteous in this life would be doomed to such misery without the resurrection, and it occurred to me that it's because they would be trapped in one state for eternity without the possibility of progression. If we did not have the opporunity to regain our bodies, we would be

It's go time. The school year has ended. The latest trip to Mexico is over. It's time to really get things started. I've been looking forward to this moment. Up to now, I've been squeezing in appointments when I can, talking to people when it's convenient, and now I have the time to put my full energy into creating the life I truly want for myself and my family. And I feel paralyzed. In 3rd grade, I remember going to our yearly track meet at the high school and signing up for a 50-meter dash. I liked running. I wasn't half bad. I thought I had a decent chance to do well. As we took our places at the starting line, I became completely overwhelmed. I looked at the girls next to me and something inside of me twisted into knots. I started to have trouble breathing. My eyes got fuzzy. My muscles froze up. The finish line suddenly seemed miles away. I didn't have the vocabulary for it then, but now I know I was in the midst of a panic attack. The starting shot was

Opening myself up to receive is currently the most difficult part. So many blessings are pouring into my life, and my mind and body are extremely uncomfortable. I'm used to not having what I want in most ways. I'm used to wishing and hoping and not actually getting what I really want. Now, I'm making my dreams come true in nearly every aspect of my life and it's terrifying. My new job is more lucrative than anyone expected it to be. I've traveled out of the country to beautiful locations twice in the last two months and have another trip planned in a few weeks.  I've dived into the depths of the ocean and spent time with turtles and sharks. I've connected with people who dream bigger and achieve more than anyone I ever knew before. My kids are growing and thriving and conquering their fears and blossoming into extraordinary young adults. I'm dating a man who couldn't be more supportive and encouraging and motivating and inspiring and kind and loving

I'm stirring the pond. I used to work so hard not to disturb the silt at the bottom. I used so much energy to keep the water clear, but the whole pond is boiling, now. It hurts and it's confusing and it's terrifying and it's amazing. My mind and body are in chaos with the shifting and digging and expelling. I no longer wish to be still. I no longer tolerate stagnation. I want to flow. I'm building a river. A river that leads to an ocean that once again becomes rivers and streams and rivers and oceans again until I reach the whole entire world.  I won't be contained anymore. My body and mind are very confused by this. I always yearned for stability. I always wanted things to be predictable and under control. They never were, yet for some reason I would continually fight tooth and nail to try and make them that way. Now, I'm making tidal waves in my little pond and watching as they stretch and grow and I'm not exactly sure what impact they'll have or w

I have some foundational, core beliefs that don't serve me anymore, and I'm working on dismantling them. They are bedrock-level beliefs, though. They are strong. They have been there for a long time. And now, they are holding me back from what I want to be and what I want to do. I've graduated from chipping away with a pick axe to shattering with a jackhammer. I want this for myself, but even still, every time I turn on the jackhammer, it jars me and it hurts and parts of me don't want the wall to crumble because I'm not entirely sure what will be on the other side. There are strong hooks still embedded in me that want me to stay back inside of my old beliefs. I understand it there. It's comfortable there. I could give in and stay and I'd be okay, but this new part of me that has tasted more would shrivel and feel betrayed and I've gotten to know her too well and I love her too much to let that happen.  So I strain against the hooks and shatter the wall

Recently, some teenage boys made me cry.  My son had a group of friends over for a New Year's Eve celebration. They played hard all night long, ate tons of junk food, puzzled over the mysteries of girls and school and family and friends, and passed out all over the house by around 5 AM. Then, they woke up by 8:30, got themselves put together, and went to church with me. This made me happy, but it didn't make me cry. Then we came back home and they made lunch. I was in my bedroom letting them do their thing, not paying too much attention to the happy chaos in the next room, when everything hushed for a moment. This sudden hush piqued my attention. Anyone who has experienced a house full of children at any age knows that when it's too quiet, it's time to pay attention, so I listened.  I listened to them pray over the food. Not prodded, not nagged, not reminded, this group of 16-17 year old boys prayed over their food. Because that's what they've been taught. Becau