Micki's Musings

I'm weary of feeling miserable. Time to shift. Today marks three weeks since I broke up. He has been broken up for a while, I guess, but for me it's been three weeks. Time for grief to release its grip at least a little bit, and time for me to begin to rise. This one is going to take some intention and hard work. It always does, but this one's vice-like grip is very strong and I will need to pry its rigor mortis fingers off one by one. One step needs to be getting away from him. At first, he was apologetic and owning his part, but I can feel him shifting back into avoidance and denial and the energy is becoming resentful and victimized...like mine. I don't know how I know this but I just do. We're still connected. I want more of a separation. Seeing him constantly at work on the trainings, getting all the motivational messages and interacting with everything we built together in the business--I don't know how to keep it healthy. I thought I could do it at first

He posted a quote today on his social media. "Don't chase people," it said. "Don't chase people. Be an example. Attract them. Work hard and be yourself. The people who belong in your life will come find you and stay. Just do your thing." The people who belong in your life will come find you and stay...unless the ones who belong show up and want to stay and give everything they can and fight as hard as they can but you humiliate them and push them away over and over until they can't stay because staying would be toxic and unsafe for them. Don't chase them. Because you've already chased them away.

Something just happened. I feel it in my back. It clenches and it hurts. It's a panic attack but different. Something somewhere else is bringing it. In my mind I see transluscent tendons reaching out from my back getting snapped. The muscles tense and clench. I'm writhing. Something is breaking. Something is happening. I pull off my rings and my bracelet. I don't want anything on my hands, touching my skin, and I don't know why. I curl into a ball and cry. It hurts and it's breaking. He's done something. He's doing something and it's breaking. It's dark. It's pain. He's losing a battle or I'm losing a battle and we're both breaking. Am I insane? Am I attaching blame to something that isn't there? Something hurts for real and something feels like it is broken for good. I can't stop shaking. I try to pull the bobby pins out of my hair and my hands are trembling too hard and I hit myself in the head. I breathe in, and out, in, an