Micki's Musings

I transformed a trigger this weekend. It was amazing. I walked into the Turning Leaf level 4 seminar feeling so weighted down and overwhelmed with all my responsibilities. At one point, there was a scenario where we imagined ourselves in a completely new situation. It was supposed to frighten us, push out of our comfort zones, but I felt excited. I felt free of my responsibilities, and the idea of only having to care for my own survival was very appealing. I recently realized I can't do it all. There was a piece of me that always thought, "If I only spent less time on social media, if I only spent less time playing on my devices, I could fit everything in. It's my own fault I can't get everything done I need to do in a day." Then, for over a week, I put down my devices and discovered something terrifying: I really, truly can't do it all. That threw me for a loop. I always felt like it was my own fault that I wasn't invincible and able to do everyth

There is a darkness ever-present inside of me. I long ago acknowledged its existence. I've worked to understand it, to give it value, for when fear has value it becomes a tool. But every so often I cannot find the value and I only feel the fear. It's as if the darkness is the murk at the bottom of a great, glistening, clear, blue pond. When something disturbs its stillness, the murk rises and swirls and suffocates. No matter how strong my strokes, no matter how solid my determination to be free, it surrounds me and pulls me under. I cannot see or breathe or think inside of it. My only way out is to wait. Wait for it to still. Wait for it to settle. Wait while it steals my breath, my sight, my mind...I sit in the darkness and feel it swirl and feel the fear but do not understand. I've had a fascinating summer. I tried and failed to fall in love. I tried and failed--so far--to relax. I tried and failed--so far--to get some house projects done. I tried and am struggling not

My brain is still a dangerous place. I still get trapped there too often. I keep thinking I'll be safe there, that it's becoming more of a sanctuary than asylum, but then it reminds me that spinny is still its factory mode and the enhancements I have made only stay in place if I work to keep them there. The thing is, sometimes, I get tired. Sometimes I know why the spin is spinning and I can fix it, but other times I spin for reasons I can't figure out and I either have to wait or distract myself or force myself through the spinning and my head hurts and I get nauseous. It's tricky to force my eyes to focus and my steps to move forward when my mind tilts the world around me and falling seems so much easier. Sometimes I do fall into the vortex and I look up from its swirling depths and wonder if it will ever not be so hard anymore. Doesn't matter if it stays hard or gets easier. I'll still fight my way back out, regardless if the same teetering tight rope w

Progress. Yes! I got sick again this week. Very sick. I could tell it was going to kick my butt again if I didn't take care of myself, so I took care of myself! This is a huge thing for me. And it wasn't a battle like before. I made myself juice and guzzled it. I ate fruits and veggies and vitamins. I slathered myself in oils and diffused them into the air. I rested and rested and rested. It still kept me down and out for four full days. But this specific flu strain has put others into the hospital and taken them weeks to get over it. I'm on day six now and back at work, back at life. Still slightly fuzzy. Still drinking fluids and gulping vitamins and taking care of me, but back at life. It's tricky to lie in bed "wasting" so much time. It's easy to slip into funks, to regret all that isn't getting done, to feel the heaps of catching up piling upon me. But each time I felt myself slipping into that space, I refocused. "It's okay to binge

On the last day of "my" fun-filled weekend, I went to church. It was an old church. One that had a stained glass window of Christ behind the pulpit. I like old buildings. It's like you can sense the decades and sometimes even centuries of people who have passed through those halls living, laughing, singing, crying, praying. Old buildings are awesome. We just popped in for sacrament meeting, my friends and I. I was feeling off-center. Frustrated that the weekend hadn't fueled me like I wanted it to, disappointed at my own lack of companionship, and feeling lonely. Again. Some more. I prayed through the sacrament portion of the meeting. I closed my eyes and asked God to help me make Him my favorite fella. I'm always needing help with that. I prayed to appreciate the life I have right now and feel happiness and peace inside of it. He answered my prayers. Both of the speakers spoke about Christ. Neither was particularly poignant or powerful. Their talks were s

It's a new year. Can't say I'm sad about saying sayonara to the last couple of years. Here's to new beginnings and the continuation of journeys full of healing and learning and loving and living. I partied hard with friends this weekend. Had a good time. Mostly, though, I learned some stuff. Playtime is good for me. But, if it's self-care time, it needs to be about me. I had planned a fun-filled weekend where I wanted to head up to north and participate in a bunch of activities with mid-singles up there. I invited people. People said they would come, but could we change this thing and that thing? Then people said they weren't coming anymore. Then people changed their minds again and wanted to come if  we changed this or that other thing again. My weekend turned into their weekend. Lame sauce. It was still fun, but I discovered that many mid-singles--especially those who have never been married or never had children--struggle to live for anyone but them