Micki's Musings

He posted a quote today on his social media. "Don't chase people," it said. "Don't chase people. Be an example. Attract them. Work hard and be yourself. The people who belong in your life will come find you and stay. Just do your thing." The people who belong in your life will come find you and stay...unless the ones who belong show up and want to stay and give everything they can and fight as hard as they can but you humiliate them and push them away over and over until they can't stay because staying would be toxic and unsafe for them. Don't chase them. Because you've already chased them away.

Something just happened. I feel it in my back. It clenches and it hurts. It's a panic attack but different. Something somewhere else is bringing it. In my mind I see transluscent tendons reaching out from my back getting snapped. The muscles tense and clench. I'm writhing. Something is breaking. Something is happening. I pull off my rings and my bracelet. I don't want anything on my hands, touching my skin, and I don't know why. I curl into a ball and cry. It hurts and it's breaking. He's done something. He's doing something and it's breaking. It's dark. It's pain. He's losing a battle or I'm losing a battle and we're both breaking. Am I insane? Am I attaching blame to something that isn't there? Something hurts for real and something feels like it is broken for good. I can't stop shaking. I try to pull the bobby pins out of my hair and my hands are trembling too hard and I hit myself in the head. I breathe in, and out, in, an

So many of my favorite parts of my life are entangled with him. My work, my scuba diving. Everything was going to be so much better together. All of the pieces of me were growing and expanding exponentially with him. Now it feels like it’s all come to a screeching halt, and I am left alone just inching along. I know I will still do and be all the things without him. But it was on its way like a tidal wave and now it’s raindrops.  I want to untangle quickly. I know it takes time but I want to untangle quickly. My brain is fuzzy and not thinking straight. I’m spinning again. It’s been a very, very long time since I was last spinning. I hate him for destroying us. I don’t understand it. Nothing makes sense.  Tangled up but no longer entangled with him. Tangled up and fuzzy and spinning. It’s like a hair knot where the more you try to push through it the harder it is to break and the more it hurts. I’m stuck in the snarls and the pressure is big and keeps getting bigger. Soon, I’ll break f

Working with him is extra brutal. I'll finally pull myself together and wake up motivated and ready to take on the day and have a great meeting and then I have to hear his voice and I love his voice so much and it reminds me of what I don't have anymore. So I'm late to my next meeting because it takes too long to get a hold of my breathing because my sobbing is too big.  I love him so much I don't want to let him go. I hate him for how I feel right now. At least I can leave my camera off for some of the meetings so my puffy eyes have time stop reddening.

He didn't save me a seat at the table. For me, that's when it really started. For him, I guess it had been going on for months before that with him feeling pressured into things he wasn't ready for with the engagement and the wedding plans. I thought simply allowing him more time would be enough. I thought we were still trying to work things out as a couple but taking a time out to think and heal and reorient. I feel like such an idiot. I felt so humiliated that night when he didn't save me a seat in front of all of our coworkers who still thought we were engaged. We had talked about not making it awkward for everyone and very first thing, he didn't save me a seat. Then, we talked and resolved it and I thought we were reconciling. I started wearing the ring again. He went on his solo trip and thought about things and came home ready to commit and set a date. Then two days later he got stuck in his head again and started making up stories about how I don't give h

Yesterday, I spent the day in bed with a migraine. I felt it right when I woke up and tried to keep it at bay, but by late morning I had sharp, stabbing pain in my temples and a stomachache that snatched any appetite. I took ibuprofen and sipped water and rested and rested and rested. This came along with a cold sore and after a very long work week. I had intentionally blocked out yesterday for catching up on chores and prepping my taxes and processing some paperwork I hadn't had a chance to complete earlier in the week. I was tempted to be upset and frustrated, but I decided to check in with myself instead. My body and my brain were trying to talk to me and I decided to listen. I chatted with myself yesterday. I laid in bed and binge-watched a show and drank water and ate applesauce (my favorite sick day comfort food) and visited with me. My mindset lately has been one of work-really-hard-right-now-so-I-can-relax-and-play-later. It's not an uncommon mindset for an entrepreneur