Jackhammer

I have some foundational, core beliefs that don't serve me anymore, and I'm working on dismantling them. They are bedrock-level beliefs, though. They are strong. They have been there for a long time. And now, they are holding me back from what I want to be and what I want to do. I've graduated from chipping away with a pick axe to shattering with a jackhammer.

I want this for myself, but even still, every time I turn on the jackhammer, it jars me and it hurts and parts of me don't want the wall to crumble because I'm not entirely sure what will be on the other side.

There are strong hooks still embedded in me that want me to stay back inside of my old beliefs. I understand it there. It's comfortable there. I could give in and stay and I'd be okay, but this new part of me that has tasted more would shrivel and feel betrayed and I've gotten to know her too well and I love her too much to let that happen. 

So I strain against the hooks and shatter the wall and see the crumbling and feel afraid and excited and joyful and at peace.

I used to know I needed to follow the path that everyone else seemed to walk and fit in the mold everyone else seemed to fit. I used to know that risks were too risky and wanting to make myself happy was selfish. I used to know that martyrdom and self-sacrifice and unhappiness were necessary crosses to bear in order to earn my place and earn my keep.

Now, I'm learning the path is different for every person and the mold broke long ago. I'm learning I never have to be trapped anywhere I don't want to be and I can do the things I want to do and be the things I want to be. I'm learning God wants me to be happy and have joy now and in the eternities. I'm learning that I don't have to bear the cross because someone else already did.

The bedrock is crumbling and the weight is lifting and it feels terrifying 
and liberating 
and beautiful.

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