Sleep at Night

Last night, I could not sleep. And it wasn't the usual rough night for me where I take a while to fall asleep and then wake up frequently throughout the night, it was that I was unable to fall asleep at all. I lay in bed for hours, trying to breathe, meditate, relax, talk to God, identify what it was that was keeping me awake. 

I still could not feel comfortable and get relaxed enough for my mind to let go. This has not been such an issue for me since the time I was in the midst of high levels of trauma.

I am currently in the opposite of trauma, and maybe that is the problem.

I am typing this from the deck of a 4 million dollar house boat in one of the most beautiful, serene places in the world. I am dating a wonderful man who is helping make these experiences happen for me. I am surrounded by people who are motivated, ambitious, successful, and are making dreams come true for themselves and others. I am inspired and feeling capable that I am now and will become just as successful in my work, with my family, and in my relationships.

I am living the life I have always wanted. Being on this houseboat was a goal I made in March of this year when I heard it was a possibility, and I've accomplished that goal.

I am not used to this world, this space, this mindset. It's daunting. It's uncomfortable. It's also thrilling and wonderful, but my subconscious is struggling to adjust. 

I belong here.

I belong here.

I belong here.

Something similar happened when I took the kids to stay at a 5-star resort with 5-star restaurants in Cabo. It felt so far outside of my usual reality it took me days to adjust.

My subconscious is still adjusting to this new life. I hope I am constantly adjusting because that means I will be constantly evolving, constantly growing, constantly progressing, constantly transcending, but there are growing pains.

At around 2:30 AM, I gave up on sleep and came up to the deck of the houseboat where it was wide open to the stars. I stared up into them and absorbed the expansion, the abudnance, the unknown. The ocean and the night sky are the two things that most profoundly remind me of both how small I am and the vastness of my potential. Each time I melt into the night sky or explore the depths of the ocean I am reminded how important I am to my Heavenly Father because he cares enough to give me all He has and gives me the opportunity to become all He is. If I want it.

I want it. But I'm scared to want it because right now I am getting everything I want and am I really ready? Can I really allow myself to feel like I deserve it?

That's it. That's the crux of all the uncertainty and sleeplessness. I am still learning how to be so full to capacity that I have an abundance to give. I am discovering the power of manifestation and prayer and learning to open myself to receiving and I don't know why I should have access to this when so many people don't. But that's the thing, everyone can have all of this if they allow themselves, I'm just learning the keys. And I've worked really hard to learn the keys. And now that I know the keys, I can teach them to others and help them get here. And now that I know how the uncertainty feels and how the anxiety feels and how the confusion feels, I can guide people through it and help them transcend.

When I pray each day, I ask God to help me be his vessel. I visualize His light filling me to the brim so there is so much of his light it flows out from me and I'm able to reach out and transfer His light to others. I ask Him to guide me to those who are ready to receive it, and my prayers are being answered. I'm not used to being the one who has an abundance to give. But I'll get used to it. And I'll get better at it. And I'll show others how to do the same.

Right now, I don't fully feel like I belong here. I don't fully feel like I deserve this. I don't fully feel like I've earned it enough, but the beauty of the atonement and the blessings of this life is we never have to earn them, they're given freely. That's what I need to remember: It's not mine to earn or deserve, it's mine to receive in gratitude and share with as many as I can.

Humility and gratitude will guide me and bring me peace and allow me to sleep at night.

And now I shall go enjoy the blessing of riding this wave.



Photo: https://www.pond5.com/stock-footage/item/53799062-4k-lake-powell-milky-way-01-time-lapse-stars-reflections

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