Stirring the Pond

I'm stirring the pond.

I used to work so hard not to disturb the silt at the bottom. I used so much energy to keep the water clear, but the whole pond is boiling, now. It hurts and it's confusing and it's terrifying and it's amazing. My mind and body are in chaos with the shifting and digging and expelling. I no longer wish to be still. I no longer tolerate stagnation. I want to flow. I'm building a river. A river that leads to an ocean that once again becomes rivers and streams and rivers and oceans again until I reach the whole entire world. 

I won't be contained anymore.

My body and mind are very confused by this. I always yearned for stability. I always wanted things to be predictable and under control. They never were, yet for some reason I would continually fight tooth and nail to try and make them that way.

Now, I'm making tidal waves in my little pond and watching as they stretch and grow and I'm not exactly sure what impact they'll have or which direction they'll go but I'm setting them free because I want to flow with them.

My panic attacks are spiking to the surface a little more often because of this.

I've been sick with another hacking cough because of this.

My body and mind are rebelling against me jerking myself out of my homeostasis of old thoughts and outdated paradigms. They are revolting against the shifting and purging of the silt.

That's okay.

I'll let it flow through me and acknowledge it and be grateful for what it teaches me about how much I have learned and how much more I get to discover.

In the meantime, I have hope and drive and focus and excitement that overshadow the anxiety tenfold. I'm allowing myself to expand and be seen and heard more than ever before, and it's exhilarating.

In moments, I hear the voice say I'm crazy to do this.

In moments, I hear the voice say it's too much of a risk.

In moments, I feel the hooks trying to hold me back and calm me down because we know the pond and it's safe in the pond and there wasn't really anything that wrong with the pond the way it was.

And I tell the voices, yes, I know. But if I don't make the waves and ride them to the places they take me, I will be ignoring and betraying the girl inside of me that has been begging and pleading and screaming and fighting to get free. She must be seen. She must be heard. She must help others and make dreams come true, including her own.

So I stir the pond and make the tidal waves and ride the rivers and oceans until the voices are silenced and I am free.