Jolt
I'm back in the space where feeling doesn't make sense. Existing is confusing. I can't remember the purpose. I need something big. A jolt. I'm tired. The moment came where I noticed a choice. The precipice of madness is real. I saw the darkness and I considered tipping. I wanted it. I still do. To have the responsibilities dissipate. To be released from the weight. I want it. I had a choice and the choice scared me, so I pulled away from it. I wrenched myself away from the precipice, but I remember it. It's alluring. I rocked back and forth, sobbing. I stroked my soft blanket, rubbing it with my hands, my arms, my legs. Anywhere that skin touched fabric, I stroked it. I tried to breathe. I prayed. The darkness got very big. It got very strong. I wanted to jump in, but I wouldn't let myself. Always the discipline. Always the holding back. Always the stopping myself. So. Much. Self. Control. I. Hate. It. I pulled myself back to the light. Shhh, I told myself. Shh