Micki's Musings

It makes me laugh, looking back on those last two posts. How I was so proud of maintaining healthy boundaries, only to realize that half of the battle was on his side. That when the man I am with doesn't have set boundaries against me, I struggle much more dramatically to stay healthy on my end. Oh well. C'est la vie. I no longer feel sure that I'll figure it out. I no longer feel sure that I'll ever get to a healthy place with men. It's not a hopelessness type of thing, more like an acceptance. Even with all the progress I've made--and I do acknowledge my progress. I've made leaps and bounds--I still only attract toxic, dangerous individuals. I'm not sure if that's because that's the only thing out there in my demographic, or if something about me repels healthy and attracts poisonous. I have made some mild discoveries, however, on why I tend to break men.  Looking back on all of my previous relationships, real or imagined, I see patterns. The c

The other night, I had a dream. In the dream, I was in a fantastical garden with massive, tree-sized flowers and streams that flowed with golden liquid. A palpable energy radiated from the liquid, and it gave life to everything around it. In one area was a large, spindle-like plant that dipped up and down continuously. A row of large pods ran beneath the spindle. Each time the spindle dipped, it popped a pod that released the golden liquid that flowed to join one of the many streams. In this garden, I was hosting a fancy party. Many people were there wearing beautiful dresses and fancy tuxes. I had on a floor length, sparkling, golden gown. I looked beautiful. I glowed.  I hosted well, making sure everyone's needs were met and that things were running smoothly. Then, a man came. In my dream, I was in love with this man. He greeted me in a friendly way and we spent most of the evening together dancing and having a wonderful time. He even helped me greet guests and make sure everyone