Micki's Musings

 If I were to rank the top three most difficult times of my life so far, it would go like this: 1. My divorce 2. Getting my masters degree as a full-time working single mama 3. The last two months with the move and starting two new jobs I know this move was the right thing. I know these jobs will be wonderful and fulfilling. But this part right now is so very heavy as I'm trying to seem competent without feeling that way and trying to figure out the ins and outs of the new spaces and places and faces. And it's heavy when society feels so against me as an educator and against me as a person trying to afford my rent and against me as a single woman trying to remain virtuous and raising kids by myself is hard and it gets really, really, really exhausting. Transitions are always tricky. I tried to prepare for that. Starting new jobs is tricky. I tried to prepare for those. But being in the middle of it all--I failed a little bit. I failed my students a little bit. I failed my kids

For me, it's not often about pedicures and spa days. For me,  it's sometimes curling into a ball under my desk  and crying  because there are too many moving pieces and I can't do them all alone  and third period was catastrophic  and I need to feel and release the emotions  so I can move on instead of holding them in to fester and make me sick.  Sometimes, it's working a twelve-hour day with no extra pay so the catastrophe doesn't repeat itself  and I can have peace of mind. Sometimes, it's about putting the work away for a few minutes to write Or waiting for the crowd on the beach to clear even if it's after dark so I can have some quiet water time                                all to myself. Sometimes it's connecting with others, and sometimes it's being alone.  Sometimes it's happy and energetic,  And usually, it's quiet and reflective. For me, it's seeing myself and not worrying about what anyone else thinks it should be.