Mariposa del Mar

Opening myself up to receive is currently the most difficult part. So many blessings are pouring into my life, and my mind and body are extremely uncomfortable. I'm used to not having what I want in most ways. I'm used to wishing and hoping and not actually getting what I really want. Now, I'm making my dreams come true in nearly every aspect of my life and it's terrifying.

My new job is more lucrative than anyone expected it to be.

I've traveled out of the country to beautiful locations twice in the last two months and have another trip planned in a few weeks. 

I've dived into the depths of the ocean and spent time with turtles and sharks.

I've connected with people who dream bigger and achieve more than anyone I ever knew before.

My kids are growing and thriving and conquering their fears and blossoming into extraordinary young adults.

I'm dating a man who couldn't be more supportive and encouraging and motivating and inspiring and kind and loving if I had special ordered him from an ideal boyfriend catalogue.

My past self would be hunkering down and waiting for the other shoe to drop, because my life doesn't go well for long periods at a time.

My current self is fighting to move past that mindset and open myself wide to receive it all and keep it all and relish it all and receive more and more.

But it's much more difficult than I imagined it would be to allow myself to be unreservedly happy.

I'm terrified to let go of my old self, including my previous career. The unknown is vast and uncomfortable but holds that much more joy for me. I know this in my brain and even in my heart, but it's still so very scary to move forward.

I know the fear is a good sign. Everything that brings me the most joy in life started with fear. Becoming a mother was terrifying. The idea of scuba diving was terrifying. Going back to school was terrifying. Stepping into this new romantic relationship has unearthed all kinds of anxieties. 

This new career has already been more rewarding than I ever anticipated, but letting go of my old work is extremely difficult.

I'll still be teaching people. It will just be a different kind of teaching, but letting go of that one steady element in my life through these last few years of darkness and uncertainty is tricky. However, the old career is no longer steady. My best is no longer good enough in that space. My mindset is shifting to the point where I am no longer a good employee because I want to do what I feel is best, not what someone outside of my classroom wants me to do. I'm no longer a toxic perfectionist or a people-pleaser. My old self would have continued to thrive there. I have to let my new self emerge.

I'm really enjoying meeting my new self. She is courageous. She is empowered. She is stronger and bolder and more driven. She is also wiser. Her emergence is glorious. 

arms spread wide

head tips back

facing the sky

warmth envelopes

as sunshine caresses

mind opens

heart receives

emergence

once again

and always