Micki's Musings

"I love my life!" That's what my son said over and over the other day. He used to say things like that all the time. I haven't heard him say it for months. But the other day, he loved his life again. Both of the kids were feeling good about life. At the same time. For an extended period. Miracles. We had worked together cleaning all that morning, and then some of the neighbors stopped by, dropping off secret Santa gifts. That was happy-making. Then we went sledding for a couple of hours. More happy-making. Then we came home and I made dinner while the kids played nicely together for another long while. They also helped me make dinner. More happy-making. Happy-making happens again. That peaceful, everything-is-okay, trauma-is-not-around-the-corner-or-hanging-over-our-heads feeling has been making appearances again. How nice. My kids are still super stars. I am so proud of them. I worry still. They will always have to deal with a father who isn't all the

I'm coming back. It's wonderful. Little things that are big things are easier again. I have been dealing with trauma and abuse for a long time, and I wasn't sure what parts of me were authentically myself and what parts were the trauma and survival mode. I'm pleased with the me that is slowly emerging, slowly returning in some ways, and growing in others. I like my work more and more. Grading doesn't feel so daunting and overwhelming to the point where I can't even start. I had resigned myself to the space I was in. I had resigned myself to be forever ADD. Forever unable to focus and concentrate, to adjust my teaching to this new self who could not handle grading papers. That was fine, I'd just assign less writing, have the students "grade" each other, etc. There are ways around things. But now, I like giving feedback, I like correcting misconceptions. I like researching new, better teaching methods again. I have more energy for those things