Crystal Clear
There is a darkness ever-present inside of me. I long ago acknowledged its existence. I've worked to understand it, to give it value, for when fear has value it becomes a tool. But every so often I cannot find the value and I only feel the fear. It's as if the darkness is the murk at the bottom of a great, glistening, clear, blue pond. When something disturbs its stillness, the murk rises and swirls and suffocates. No matter how strong my strokes, no matter how solid my determination to be free, it surrounds me and pulls me under. I cannot see or breathe or think inside of it. My only way out is to wait. Wait for it to still. Wait for it to settle. Wait while it steals my breath, my sight, my mind...I sit in the darkness and feel it swirl and feel the fear but do not understand. I've had a fascinating summer. I tried and failed to fall in love. I tried and failed--so far--to relax. I tried and failed--so far--to get some house projects done. I tried and am struggling not