Stuck
My brain is still a dangerous place. I still get trapped there too often. I keep thinking I'll be safe there, that it's becoming more of a sanctuary than asylum, but then it reminds me that spinny is still its factory mode and the enhancements I have made only stay in place if I work to keep them there.
The thing is, sometimes, I get tired.
Sometimes I know why the spin is spinning and I can fix it, but other times I spin for reasons I can't figure out and I either have to wait or distract myself or force myself through the spinning and my head hurts and I get nauseous. It's tricky to force my eyes to focus and my steps to move forward when my mind tilts the world around me and falling seems so much easier. Sometimes I do fall into the vortex and I look up from its swirling depths and wonder if it will ever not be so hard anymore.
Doesn't matter if it stays hard or gets easier. I'll still fight my way back out, regardless if the same teetering tight rope walk is all that awaits me. Balancing and focusing and fighting.
I feel bad for my family.
It seems like the timing always works out that my time spent with them is at the end--or in the middle of--my major spinning time. Lots of triggers and stress the last couple of weeks.
The kids were forced to sleep over with their dad for the first time in a long time. The last sleepover they had was traumatizing. They did okay this time. He is currently trying to impress his girlfriend who was there, so that helped keep him in less than full-on psychopath mode. The kids even ended up having a decent time. They went out to eat and are absolutely in love with their dad's new little dog. They survived just fine. Their mom, however, struggled big time. I tried to go distract myself, have a good time, but I couldn't relax until I heard from them that things were going well. The anxiety clung to me for days after it was all over.
Work has been intense, me being in charge of a major event that 15 of the seniors are taking part in for a state-level scholarship. I try to not take it on myself and let them decide the level of dedication they want to commit, but this is the first year I've been in charge all by myself and their work reflects on me and on our school.
I'm supposed to start my masters degree this summer.
My house is still such a den of chaos. It's hard for me to feel peace and relax there. I need to fix it.
Boys are dumb.
I hate money.
Boo hoo me. I have so much to be grateful for if I can get out of my head long enough to notice anything around me.
I get these bursts of inspiration, of peace, of "you got this, you can do it." I get these bursts where Heavenly Father says, "This is the direction I want you to go." I cling to those. I try to nurture them and help them flourish and prioritize those things. It helps when I do that. But it lasts such a short time.
One by one. That's what He told me a couple weeks ago when I was spinny with discontent. Reach out to one at a time. Each day I prayed for someone to help and I did it whenever I felt that nudge. I texted a friend, walked with a colleague, cuddled a baby. I stopped spinning for a couple of days. All of that fueled me for the coming week of chaos. I want to keep doing my one by one.
But I'm so stuck inside of my own. blasted. head.
It's crowded in here.
I've been visiting my sister this weekend. Her family is beautiful. Her children are such bright spheres of sweetness and love. They are a happy space. I've been fighting the spin all weekend to be present, enjoy, feed and be fed by the love and light. Sometimes I've won and been present. But right now I just need to write.
I've sloughed off a little bit now.
Probably time to head back to therapy.
I'm going to try meditating again.
See if any of those old tools will work. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.
I'll keep trying until I succeed and next time I fall into the vortex I'll figure out something new.
It's how I roll...
...or spin, I guess.
The thing is, sometimes, I get tired.
Sometimes I know why the spin is spinning and I can fix it, but other times I spin for reasons I can't figure out and I either have to wait or distract myself or force myself through the spinning and my head hurts and I get nauseous. It's tricky to force my eyes to focus and my steps to move forward when my mind tilts the world around me and falling seems so much easier. Sometimes I do fall into the vortex and I look up from its swirling depths and wonder if it will ever not be so hard anymore.
Doesn't matter if it stays hard or gets easier. I'll still fight my way back out, regardless if the same teetering tight rope walk is all that awaits me. Balancing and focusing and fighting.
I feel bad for my family.
It seems like the timing always works out that my time spent with them is at the end--or in the middle of--my major spinning time. Lots of triggers and stress the last couple of weeks.
The kids were forced to sleep over with their dad for the first time in a long time. The last sleepover they had was traumatizing. They did okay this time. He is currently trying to impress his girlfriend who was there, so that helped keep him in less than full-on psychopath mode. The kids even ended up having a decent time. They went out to eat and are absolutely in love with their dad's new little dog. They survived just fine. Their mom, however, struggled big time. I tried to go distract myself, have a good time, but I couldn't relax until I heard from them that things were going well. The anxiety clung to me for days after it was all over.
Work has been intense, me being in charge of a major event that 15 of the seniors are taking part in for a state-level scholarship. I try to not take it on myself and let them decide the level of dedication they want to commit, but this is the first year I've been in charge all by myself and their work reflects on me and on our school.
I'm supposed to start my masters degree this summer.
My house is still such a den of chaos. It's hard for me to feel peace and relax there. I need to fix it.
Boys are dumb.
I hate money.
Boo hoo me. I have so much to be grateful for if I can get out of my head long enough to notice anything around me.
I get these bursts of inspiration, of peace, of "you got this, you can do it." I get these bursts where Heavenly Father says, "This is the direction I want you to go." I cling to those. I try to nurture them and help them flourish and prioritize those things. It helps when I do that. But it lasts such a short time.
One by one. That's what He told me a couple weeks ago when I was spinny with discontent. Reach out to one at a time. Each day I prayed for someone to help and I did it whenever I felt that nudge. I texted a friend, walked with a colleague, cuddled a baby. I stopped spinning for a couple of days. All of that fueled me for the coming week of chaos. I want to keep doing my one by one.
But I'm so stuck inside of my own. blasted. head.
It's crowded in here.
I've been visiting my sister this weekend. Her family is beautiful. Her children are such bright spheres of sweetness and love. They are a happy space. I've been fighting the spin all weekend to be present, enjoy, feed and be fed by the love and light. Sometimes I've won and been present. But right now I just need to write.
I've sloughed off a little bit now.
Probably time to head back to therapy.
I'm going to try meditating again.
See if any of those old tools will work. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.
I'll keep trying until I succeed and next time I fall into the vortex I'll figure out something new.
It's how I roll...
...or spin, I guess.
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