Crystal Clear
There is a darkness ever-present inside of me. I long ago acknowledged its existence. I've worked to understand it, to give it value, for when fear has value it becomes a tool. But every so often I cannot find the value and I only feel the fear. It's as if the darkness is the murk at the bottom of a great, glistening, clear, blue pond. When something disturbs its stillness, the murk rises and swirls and suffocates. No matter how strong my strokes, no matter how solid my determination to be free, it surrounds me and pulls me under. I cannot see or breathe or think inside of it. My only way out is to wait. Wait for it to still. Wait for it to settle. Wait while it steals my breath, my sight, my mind...I sit in the darkness and feel it swirl and feel the fear but do not understand.
I've had a fascinating summer. I tried and failed to fall in love. I tried and failed--so far--to relax. I tried and failed--so far--to get some house projects done. I tried and am struggling not to fail my education. I've made some discoveries about me, good, bad, and in-between.
Men are still a difficult and tricky field to navigate. I feel myself very gradually drifting into a space where I just want to keep myself safe. I occupy this space, this "I just want to focus on myself, my kids, my work" zone, and then leave it to try another relationship adventure. After each heartbreak, I move more solidly into the man-free zone for a longer time. I do want to find someone, eventually. Maybe. I do learn a lot about myself with each exploration into the strange realm of relationship attempting. But the after-effects are becoming not worth the journey. It steals too much of my energy to heal from each heartache, and I have so much to do. So much to figure out. I care less and less about putting energy into something that feels more and more fruitless. We shall see what happens after next week when I forget that I don't want to pursue men and hearts hurt again. C'est la vie I suppose.
I tried to go back to school this summer to get my masters degree. I was so excited at first. The first few days of readings and discussions and research were fun! And then I had a week where I fell behind. I got triggered (by my feelings for a man, of course) and I found myself completely unable to focus or comprehend any of my school work and nearly gave up. That's a big deal, for me to give up. I talked to some people, got a blessing, and I'm muscling through, but I don't know that I'll be able to actually complete the courses. I want to, but what if I can't? What if I can't figure out my new brain that feels so foreign in the learning and knowledge acquisition arena? I'll do what I can do, I suppose. And whatever I can't do, I won't. I don't like not being able to do things. I can--I have to--do everything.
Ah, there it is.
That's what stirs the murkiness of my pond more than anything. That stubbornness, pride, ego, whatever my current perspective of my self-absorption.
Argh, enough suffocating in the murk.
I am so blessed. My pond is crystal blue much more often than not, now. I have made so much progress, learned so much. I do understand a lot of the time.
I have multitudes of loved ones and friends cheering me on, supporting me. I have a bright, beautiful, exciting future ahead of me. Perhaps I'll never find a partner--since when has a man been in charge of my happiness? Perhaps I'll fail out of school--since when have I not learned more from my failure than I lost in failing?
Yes, sometimes I get lost in the darkness, but it has been a very long time since I've let it truly take hold long enough to do any real damage.
I'll continue to move forward, continue to do my best, continue to be ridiculous and take way too long to learn my lessons, fall into some traps over and over again, roll my eyes at myself, and then hug myself so tight because Heavenly Father isn't a failure, and He made me...
...and gave me my wings.
I've had a fascinating summer. I tried and failed to fall in love. I tried and failed--so far--to relax. I tried and failed--so far--to get some house projects done. I tried and am struggling not to fail my education. I've made some discoveries about me, good, bad, and in-between.
Men are still a difficult and tricky field to navigate. I feel myself very gradually drifting into a space where I just want to keep myself safe. I occupy this space, this "I just want to focus on myself, my kids, my work" zone, and then leave it to try another relationship adventure. After each heartbreak, I move more solidly into the man-free zone for a longer time. I do want to find someone, eventually. Maybe. I do learn a lot about myself with each exploration into the strange realm of relationship attempting. But the after-effects are becoming not worth the journey. It steals too much of my energy to heal from each heartache, and I have so much to do. So much to figure out. I care less and less about putting energy into something that feels more and more fruitless. We shall see what happens after next week when I forget that I don't want to pursue men and hearts hurt again. C'est la vie I suppose.
I tried to go back to school this summer to get my masters degree. I was so excited at first. The first few days of readings and discussions and research were fun! And then I had a week where I fell behind. I got triggered (by my feelings for a man, of course) and I found myself completely unable to focus or comprehend any of my school work and nearly gave up. That's a big deal, for me to give up. I talked to some people, got a blessing, and I'm muscling through, but I don't know that I'll be able to actually complete the courses. I want to, but what if I can't? What if I can't figure out my new brain that feels so foreign in the learning and knowledge acquisition arena? I'll do what I can do, I suppose. And whatever I can't do, I won't. I don't like not being able to do things. I can--I have to--do everything.
Ah, there it is.
That's what stirs the murkiness of my pond more than anything. That stubbornness, pride, ego, whatever my current perspective of my self-absorption.
Argh, enough suffocating in the murk.
I am so blessed. My pond is crystal blue much more often than not, now. I have made so much progress, learned so much. I do understand a lot of the time.
I have multitudes of loved ones and friends cheering me on, supporting me. I have a bright, beautiful, exciting future ahead of me. Perhaps I'll never find a partner--since when has a man been in charge of my happiness? Perhaps I'll fail out of school--since when have I not learned more from my failure than I lost in failing?
Yes, sometimes I get lost in the darkness, but it has been a very long time since I've let it truly take hold long enough to do any real damage.
I'll continue to move forward, continue to do my best, continue to be ridiculous and take way too long to learn my lessons, fall into some traps over and over again, roll my eyes at myself, and then hug myself so tight because Heavenly Father isn't a failure, and He made me...
...and gave me my wings.
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