All the Progress
Progress. Yes!
I got sick again this week. Very sick. I could tell it was going to kick my butt again if I didn't take care of myself, so I took care of myself! This is a huge thing for me. And it wasn't a battle like before. I made myself juice and guzzled it. I ate fruits and veggies and vitamins. I slathered myself in oils and diffused them into the air. I rested and rested and rested. It still kept me down and out for four full days. But this specific flu strain has put others into the hospital and taken them weeks to get over it. I'm on day six now and back at work, back at life. Still slightly fuzzy. Still drinking fluids and gulping vitamins and taking care of me, but back at life.
It's tricky to lie in bed "wasting" so much time. It's easy to slip into funks, to regret all that isn't getting done, to feel the heaps of catching up piling upon me. But each time I felt myself slipping into that space, I refocused. "It's okay to binge watch a Netflix series today, Micki. Your brain and body don't have energy to do anything else, and beating yourself up for it isn't going to help you." I listened to me! I believed me! Progress!
And some more progress:
Last weekend, before I got sick, I took the kids up north.The ex's family was having a reunion, and the kids haven't seen their paternal grandfather in over a year. I've always wanted the kids to maintain a relationship with their father's family, and I get them to family gatherings as often as I can. This is tricky, as I don't hear about gatherings unless the ex tells me about them, and he usually doesn't attend himself, so the kids have been limited in their interactions with their aunts, uncles, and cousins. His dad and step-mom invited me to attend the event as well. I was unsure whether I should attend, as there has been very little communication between myself and any of the rest of his family. I knew it could be a great opportunity to repair bridges and I wanted the kids to see that I still love and accept his family so they will become comfortable around them as well, so I went.
I'm so glad I did.
I got emotional seeing them all again. They were my family for 13 years, after all. Everyone was very loving and sweet and happy to see me. I returned the favor. It was so good to catch up and it helped me recognize even more how everything is going to be okay. I learned a little more about what has been going on and I now realize that I have more advocates for my kids than I had realized. I truly need not be afraid.
He still very much triggers me, my ex. Right before I took the kids up north, he said he wanted them that weekend. He wasn't going to the reunion, he just wanted them to sleep over at his house with him (which they refuse to do, yet he keeps trying to force them). I told him I was taking them up to his reunion and he got angry. I knew he would, but I figured he'd find out and I didn't want to be accused of keeping anything from him, so I told him. He got upset and went off on one of his rants. I got triggered and cried and felt so frustrated that he could still affect me this way. But I stayed firm. I told him the kids would be out of town and he could have them another weekend. I wasn't doing anything wrong taking them up there. If he wanted to come after me in court or in any other way, he was certainly welcome to do so. I'd have my evidence of no wrongdoing. He calmed down after a bit, backed off, and everything turned out fine.
After last weekend, I don't think he'll ever affect me that much again. I'm not completely sure that it won't impact me at all, but it feels different, now. He really is so sad. He has lost everything, including his mind, and he gets in phases where he tries to take it all back by force. This just pushes everything farther away from him again. Whenever I respond with fear, he feeds on it and it empowers him. Whenever I respond calmly and firmly, unyielding but also compassionate, he backs down. I wish my children didn't have to deal with his madness, but they also see how I choose to handle it. I will be an example to them and they will use it to become stronger, more compassionate, more emotionally powerful human beings.
I am less and less afraid and more and more confident in my ability to protect my children and progress in my healing.
Also, a boy I really like almost kissed me that weekend.
Sometimes, I'm still 14.
But always, I am zombie raccoon Medusa Wonder Woman Rogue of the cosmos
with wings.
I got sick again this week. Very sick. I could tell it was going to kick my butt again if I didn't take care of myself, so I took care of myself! This is a huge thing for me. And it wasn't a battle like before. I made myself juice and guzzled it. I ate fruits and veggies and vitamins. I slathered myself in oils and diffused them into the air. I rested and rested and rested. It still kept me down and out for four full days. But this specific flu strain has put others into the hospital and taken them weeks to get over it. I'm on day six now and back at work, back at life. Still slightly fuzzy. Still drinking fluids and gulping vitamins and taking care of me, but back at life.
It's tricky to lie in bed "wasting" so much time. It's easy to slip into funks, to regret all that isn't getting done, to feel the heaps of catching up piling upon me. But each time I felt myself slipping into that space, I refocused. "It's okay to binge watch a Netflix series today, Micki. Your brain and body don't have energy to do anything else, and beating yourself up for it isn't going to help you." I listened to me! I believed me! Progress!
And some more progress:
Last weekend, before I got sick, I took the kids up north.The ex's family was having a reunion, and the kids haven't seen their paternal grandfather in over a year. I've always wanted the kids to maintain a relationship with their father's family, and I get them to family gatherings as often as I can. This is tricky, as I don't hear about gatherings unless the ex tells me about them, and he usually doesn't attend himself, so the kids have been limited in their interactions with their aunts, uncles, and cousins. His dad and step-mom invited me to attend the event as well. I was unsure whether I should attend, as there has been very little communication between myself and any of the rest of his family. I knew it could be a great opportunity to repair bridges and I wanted the kids to see that I still love and accept his family so they will become comfortable around them as well, so I went.
I'm so glad I did.
I got emotional seeing them all again. They were my family for 13 years, after all. Everyone was very loving and sweet and happy to see me. I returned the favor. It was so good to catch up and it helped me recognize even more how everything is going to be okay. I learned a little more about what has been going on and I now realize that I have more advocates for my kids than I had realized. I truly need not be afraid.
He still very much triggers me, my ex. Right before I took the kids up north, he said he wanted them that weekend. He wasn't going to the reunion, he just wanted them to sleep over at his house with him (which they refuse to do, yet he keeps trying to force them). I told him I was taking them up to his reunion and he got angry. I knew he would, but I figured he'd find out and I didn't want to be accused of keeping anything from him, so I told him. He got upset and went off on one of his rants. I got triggered and cried and felt so frustrated that he could still affect me this way. But I stayed firm. I told him the kids would be out of town and he could have them another weekend. I wasn't doing anything wrong taking them up there. If he wanted to come after me in court or in any other way, he was certainly welcome to do so. I'd have my evidence of no wrongdoing. He calmed down after a bit, backed off, and everything turned out fine.
After last weekend, I don't think he'll ever affect me that much again. I'm not completely sure that it won't impact me at all, but it feels different, now. He really is so sad. He has lost everything, including his mind, and he gets in phases where he tries to take it all back by force. This just pushes everything farther away from him again. Whenever I respond with fear, he feeds on it and it empowers him. Whenever I respond calmly and firmly, unyielding but also compassionate, he backs down. I wish my children didn't have to deal with his madness, but they also see how I choose to handle it. I will be an example to them and they will use it to become stronger, more compassionate, more emotionally powerful human beings.
I am less and less afraid and more and more confident in my ability to protect my children and progress in my healing.
Also, a boy I really like almost kissed me that weekend.
Sometimes, I'm still 14.
But always, I am zombie raccoon Medusa Wonder Woman Rogue of the cosmos
with wings.
Comments
Post a Comment