Genesis
I transformed a trigger this weekend. It was amazing.
I walked into the Turning Leaf level 4 seminar feeling so weighted down and overwhelmed with all my responsibilities. At one point, there was a scenario where we imagined ourselves in a completely new situation. It was supposed to frighten us, push out of our comfort zones, but I felt excited. I felt free of my responsibilities, and the idea of only having to care for my own survival was very appealing.
I recently realized I can't do it all. There was a piece of me that always thought, "If I only spent less time on social media, if I only spent less time playing on my devices, I could fit everything in. It's my own fault I can't get everything done I need to do in a day."
Then, for over a week, I put down my devices and discovered something terrifying: I really, truly can't do it all.
That threw me for a loop. I always felt like it was my own fault that I wasn't invincible and able to do everything, that if I just applied myself enough, I had what it took. Realizing that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I try, I can't do it all--that was a massive sucker punch to my pride. Sent me flat on my back and knocked my breath away. I started wondering what was the point, if no matter what I do, it's impossible? In my brain I knew that I'm not supposed to do it all, that I need to ask for help, that I am human. But I didn't want to accept that. I am Wonder Woman. Period.
Now, I feel more at peace with my mortality. I have accepted my reality a little bit more. I still have the nudges of frustration at my limitations, but I'm working to use those as motivation and not allow them to debilitate me. That's part of what I gained from level 4.
But the other thing was even better.
I still struggle with post-traumatic stress from some of my experiences, particularly from that day in court where my voice was stifled and my children's safety was compromised. I was able to transform that situation in my mind.
I focus now not on what that day did to me, but what it has done for me.
I looked at the situation from a new perspective: gratitude.
That day, my worst fears were realized. I felt the weight of them then, the suffocating, paralyzing weight. As those moments pressed down on me, I shattered, and as I shattered, so did my reservations and fears. In experiencing the fears, I conquered them as well.
Because of that day, I will never again be silent.
Because of that day, I will never again back down.
Because of that day, I will never again expect or allow someone else to do what I need to do.
Because of that day, I learned the power and necessity of standing up and speaking out.
I was able to see that moment, those men, and feel gratitude. Now I thank that moment and those people for shattering my shell and releasing my voice.
The emotion I now feel when reflecting on that moment is empowerment. Almost violent empowerment. It's like the emotion portrayed in the Maleficent movie when she regains her wings. That moment when she is bowed down and being overwhelmed, and then her wings return to her and she bursts forth, powerful, indestructible, unbowed once more.
That's how I moved through that moment and that's how I'll leave it behind me.
Now, I'll soar forth from that moment being held up by all I learned and how I've grown, and I will not look back.
My wings have evolved. I've had them ever since the beginning of this journey. They started out fresh, new, and fragile. I started out flitting to and fro, feeling the exhilaration and excitement of new birth, but also the uncertainty of how to use my wings and which direction to fly. Now, over these last two-and-a-half years, My wings have grown. They are no longer dainty, but solid. They are no longer flitting, but soaring. They are battered and scarred from new and uncertain experiences, but they now are full of character, determination, and strength. They will continue to evolve, to change, to grow, and I will continue to look forward, not back. I'll take the value from what I have learned and leave the rest behind, with a nod of gratitude for all that the pressure and pain taught me, but with the strength to release it into the past where it belongs.
Zombie Raccoon Medusa Wonder Woman Rogue Maleficent of the cosmos with wings...she's done a lot for me. She is still a part of me. But she looks different, now. I'm so happy to discover the beauty in her transformation and excited to see where she'll go next.
I walked into the Turning Leaf level 4 seminar feeling so weighted down and overwhelmed with all my responsibilities. At one point, there was a scenario where we imagined ourselves in a completely new situation. It was supposed to frighten us, push out of our comfort zones, but I felt excited. I felt free of my responsibilities, and the idea of only having to care for my own survival was very appealing.
I recently realized I can't do it all. There was a piece of me that always thought, "If I only spent less time on social media, if I only spent less time playing on my devices, I could fit everything in. It's my own fault I can't get everything done I need to do in a day."
Then, for over a week, I put down my devices and discovered something terrifying: I really, truly can't do it all.
That threw me for a loop. I always felt like it was my own fault that I wasn't invincible and able to do everything, that if I just applied myself enough, I had what it took. Realizing that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I try, I can't do it all--that was a massive sucker punch to my pride. Sent me flat on my back and knocked my breath away. I started wondering what was the point, if no matter what I do, it's impossible? In my brain I knew that I'm not supposed to do it all, that I need to ask for help, that I am human. But I didn't want to accept that. I am Wonder Woman. Period.
Now, I feel more at peace with my mortality. I have accepted my reality a little bit more. I still have the nudges of frustration at my limitations, but I'm working to use those as motivation and not allow them to debilitate me. That's part of what I gained from level 4.
But the other thing was even better.
I still struggle with post-traumatic stress from some of my experiences, particularly from that day in court where my voice was stifled and my children's safety was compromised. I was able to transform that situation in my mind.
I focus now not on what that day did to me, but what it has done for me.
I looked at the situation from a new perspective: gratitude.
That day, my worst fears were realized. I felt the weight of them then, the suffocating, paralyzing weight. As those moments pressed down on me, I shattered, and as I shattered, so did my reservations and fears. In experiencing the fears, I conquered them as well.
Because of that day, I will never again be silent.
Because of that day, I will never again back down.
Because of that day, I will never again expect or allow someone else to do what I need to do.
Because of that day, I learned the power and necessity of standing up and speaking out.
I was able to see that moment, those men, and feel gratitude. Now I thank that moment and those people for shattering my shell and releasing my voice.
The emotion I now feel when reflecting on that moment is empowerment. Almost violent empowerment. It's like the emotion portrayed in the Maleficent movie when she regains her wings. That moment when she is bowed down and being overwhelmed, and then her wings return to her and she bursts forth, powerful, indestructible, unbowed once more.
That's how I moved through that moment and that's how I'll leave it behind me.
Now, I'll soar forth from that moment being held up by all I learned and how I've grown, and I will not look back.
My wings have evolved. I've had them ever since the beginning of this journey. They started out fresh, new, and fragile. I started out flitting to and fro, feeling the exhilaration and excitement of new birth, but also the uncertainty of how to use my wings and which direction to fly. Now, over these last two-and-a-half years, My wings have grown. They are no longer dainty, but solid. They are no longer flitting, but soaring. They are battered and scarred from new and uncertain experiences, but they now are full of character, determination, and strength. They will continue to evolve, to change, to grow, and I will continue to look forward, not back. I'll take the value from what I have learned and leave the rest behind, with a nod of gratitude for all that the pressure and pain taught me, but with the strength to release it into the past where it belongs.
Zombie Raccoon Medusa Wonder Woman Rogue Maleficent of the cosmos with wings...she's done a lot for me. She is still a part of me. But she looks different, now. I'm so happy to discover the beauty in her transformation and excited to see where she'll go next.
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