Pretender

I can't remember why I care about things. I can't remember things in general. I woke up this morning, desperate to write, desperate to release, and now the words are gone. There's a juxtaposition of numbness and desperation going on inside me right now that feels dangerous. It reminds me too much of how things used to be for so long, and I'm struggling to understand why it's coming back.

I have glimpses of clarity that allow me to focus and figure things out, but they're not consistent, not constant. I know I'm overwhelmed, but I'm always overwhelmed. I know I'm insane, but I've been insane for so long. Why is this happening now?

I do have a theory. From too many experiences, I know that, when I’m in crisis, I don't panic or shutdown immediately. I shift into Go Mode. I make sure that everything I need to do is done, that everyone I care about is safe, and then I crash. Go into shock, hyperventilate, shake uncontrollably, laugh hysterically, the reactions have been different every time with one constant: I get very, very thirsty. Every time I've been through an intense traumatic moment, after it's over, I am dying of thirst. I wonder if that's what it is now. I've been working through so much trauma, making sure that my kids are healing, making sure that things are taken care of with home, work, friends, life in general. I've been running on such high RPMs for so long without realizing that this level, even though it's so much more manageable than before, is still crisis mode. Maybe it's now that my soul is finally screaming to have its thirst truly quenched, now that things in life are only mildly chaotic. Maybe that's what it is. Or maybe I just plain can't do it anymore the way I've been doing it.

I forget to smile. Smiles and laughs feel foreign. My face vaguely remembers how to work the muscles, my mind jerkingly processes that the situation calls for a positive reaction, but it's forced when it comes out of me. People that I love, that I usually crave, annoy me. I don't want to be around people. I want to sit and stare and do nothing. Or sleep. Sleep is tricky lately as well.

But I can't do nothing. I have to do things. I can't remember why, but I know I have to do them. I go to the functions, I smile and laugh, I talk to the people, I check off the lists of things. I seem to remember it's important not to let people down, but I can't remember why. And I still feel like I am letting them down because I'm not really doing any of the things. I'm just pretending. 

I'm pretending again and it's dangerous.