Exfoliate

I can still hear that little girl inside of me trying to say something. I still can't figure out exactly what it is she's trying to say. I like that she isn't giving up, though. I'm determined to hear her, and she's determined to be heard.

It's been another crazy week. I've been prepping the students for testing, administering the testing, and working on planning for my trip. All the spare evening moments have been spent with my family because my sister is in town that we never get to see. The family part isn't stressful. It's fun. But it also hasn't allowed for many quiet moments. I was supposed to start taking more quiet moments. I haven't been sleeping well again. I toss and turn and have bad dreams. It's annoying.

This morning has been my first opportunity all week to breathe a little bit, and my body is crashing again because I didn't give it a break again. I woke up with a cold sore. My cough is coming back a little bit. I meant to go to the gym, but ended up falling back to sleep after breakfast. I'm not living a more stressful life than before, but my mind and body are reacting as if I'm still constantly pushing them to their limits.

This reminds of  the time right after serving my ex the divorce papers when things just got much, much worse. I didn't sleep at all. I barely ate anything. Yet ,I functioned. I didn't get sick. I had energy to take care of everything. This went on for months. Then, I distinctly remember Heavenly Father nudging me and saying, "Okay, I've sustained you long enough. Now, it's your turn." I remember clearly understanding that I would need to start sleeping and eating again, need to start being responsible for myself again, or I would feel the consequences. So I did it. 

I wonder if the same thing is happening now. During that time before, I knew I was being sustained by divinity, because there was no way I could have functioned without it. Now, perhaps I've been blind to exactly how much God's hand has still been sustaining me, and He's continuing to remove his hand just a bit more to allow me to grow. Before, I was an infant, and He was carrying me. Then, I started to crawl, and felt that I was just fine getting place to place and accomplishing all I needed to do. Perhaps now, He's showing me how much better it is to walk and run, but allowing me to stumble and fall over and over, picking me up each time, but letting me feel the pain of falling so I can learn.

I hope that's it. I hope this is forward momentum, that it's progression and not regression. I feel like it is, because I keep recognizing little things that I've never realized before about how much I still sacrifice myself in this martyr-like way in order to receive validation. I thought I didn't do that anymore, but, as I've been learning, I just don't do it as extremely anymore. It's still there, and I still need to work on it.

I had to ask my daughter how to exfoliate my skin the other day. It's one of those things that people, particularly women, are supposed to know how to do and do regularly to keep things healthy and fresh. I've never really intentionally done that before. My beauty and care routine has always been bare minimum. I always thought it was because I just didn't like taking the time to do it, but I've realized there's a guilt element to it. There's so much more that needs to be taken care of; if I spend that much time on myself, I'm letting down something else in my life in some way. This has been a subconscious belief system for me for years. It isn't subconscious anymore, and now that I'm aware, I can reverse it. I'll get there.

Little realizations. Little moments. Little steps. I'm beginning to toddle along. I'm beginning to hear that little girl, as well as her Father, better. We'll figure out how to run together.