Distracted
Still in a weird place. I've shifted back into super restless mode. Appetite gone again. Not sleeping again. Hard to focus again. The students are testing and I'm supposed to be grading their essays. Such a perfect opportunity to get a bunch of work done, and I'm blogging instead.
I want to look like an idiot. (See, told you I couldn't focus.) This is the latest psychological experiment to which I am subjecting myself. I've mentally listed the fears I have that hold me back from life, and decided I want them. It's one of those perspective shifts I am wont to perform when things are out of my control. One of my big fears is looking like an idiot. Not an "oh, she's cute and quirky" kind of silly, but full on shake-your-head-and-walk-away-because-it's-so-embarrassing kind of thing. I fear looking stupid. But, if I want to look stupid, then it plays right into my hands. I'll still be humiliated, but it will also be what I want. It makes a difference.
It just so happens that I might have a perfect opportunity to practice this perspective shift this weekend. I've convinced a friend of mine to take me dancing. I have not been dancing in over a decade, and even then it was high school level stuff at "The Dance Factory," so nothing that required much actual skill. My friend is quite practiced in the art of swinging ladies around the floor, and I will be very awkward in comparison, so I'm planning to fall on my face and butt multiple times and have a blast doing it. This friend is also very firmly in the friend zone and happy to stay there, so it will be nice to feel minimal pressure on that account, though the looking like an idiot factor would be greatly multiplied and much more satisfying if he was a prospect. Perhaps another perspective shift is in order...
I'm looking for more fears, but I can't think of any more at the present moment. I'm sure they'll pop up, but my method of dissipating them is quite effective no matter what "mode" I'm in. Like if I'm in depressed mode, anxiety doesn't have a lot of sway. The adversary would rather have me down and out than amped up on fear. If I'm in happy mode and I feel it coming on, I greet it in my way I do, and it washes away. The teetering on the edge modes, where I'm just starting to work out of a funk or slip into one, those are the trickiest, but I still employ my methods of either, "bring it, I got this" or "namaste, amygdala." Both methods serve to assist me in proactivity rather than reactivity, and I find peace either way.
The ex still triggers a little bit in me every so often. He must be civil to my face or he goes to jail, but every once-in-a-while I find out something he did or said to someone else or behind my back, and it starts the stomach roiling. Mostly because of my worry for the kids. I keep a spark of hope alive that he is healing. That he is getting better. That he will be safe and healthy for them no matter what. I have to have that hope or every time I send them with him, I will lose my mind. When I find out he is doing things that illustrate he is still losing it, I stress out a little bit. Those are the times it's hardest to remember my fear is trying to protect my kids and me. I want to let that fear turn to anger and retribution. But that takes away my peace, and he will not take away my peace anymore. Relinquishing his power over me is a better kind of retribution. Still working on it, but getting closer, getting better every time. I will never give up.
Hey, I focused for a couple paragraphs. Good for me...I just thought of another topic I want to blog about. Stay tuned.
I want to look like an idiot. (See, told you I couldn't focus.) This is the latest psychological experiment to which I am subjecting myself. I've mentally listed the fears I have that hold me back from life, and decided I want them. It's one of those perspective shifts I am wont to perform when things are out of my control. One of my big fears is looking like an idiot. Not an "oh, she's cute and quirky" kind of silly, but full on shake-your-head-and-walk-away-because-it's-so-embarrassing kind of thing. I fear looking stupid. But, if I want to look stupid, then it plays right into my hands. I'll still be humiliated, but it will also be what I want. It makes a difference.
It just so happens that I might have a perfect opportunity to practice this perspective shift this weekend. I've convinced a friend of mine to take me dancing. I have not been dancing in over a decade, and even then it was high school level stuff at "The Dance Factory," so nothing that required much actual skill. My friend is quite practiced in the art of swinging ladies around the floor, and I will be very awkward in comparison, so I'm planning to fall on my face and butt multiple times and have a blast doing it. This friend is also very firmly in the friend zone and happy to stay there, so it will be nice to feel minimal pressure on that account, though the looking like an idiot factor would be greatly multiplied and much more satisfying if he was a prospect. Perhaps another perspective shift is in order...
I'm looking for more fears, but I can't think of any more at the present moment. I'm sure they'll pop up, but my method of dissipating them is quite effective no matter what "mode" I'm in. Like if I'm in depressed mode, anxiety doesn't have a lot of sway. The adversary would rather have me down and out than amped up on fear. If I'm in happy mode and I feel it coming on, I greet it in my way I do, and it washes away. The teetering on the edge modes, where I'm just starting to work out of a funk or slip into one, those are the trickiest, but I still employ my methods of either, "bring it, I got this" or "namaste, amygdala." Both methods serve to assist me in proactivity rather than reactivity, and I find peace either way.
The ex still triggers a little bit in me every so often. He must be civil to my face or he goes to jail, but every once-in-a-while I find out something he did or said to someone else or behind my back, and it starts the stomach roiling. Mostly because of my worry for the kids. I keep a spark of hope alive that he is healing. That he is getting better. That he will be safe and healthy for them no matter what. I have to have that hope or every time I send them with him, I will lose my mind. When I find out he is doing things that illustrate he is still losing it, I stress out a little bit. Those are the times it's hardest to remember my fear is trying to protect my kids and me. I want to let that fear turn to anger and retribution. But that takes away my peace, and he will not take away my peace anymore. Relinquishing his power over me is a better kind of retribution. Still working on it, but getting closer, getting better every time. I will never give up.
Hey, I focused for a couple paragraphs. Good for me...I just thought of another topic I want to blog about. Stay tuned.
I love that kind of retribution!! ;)
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