Crazy

4/6/16

I'm feeling angry and I blame other people right now.

The last few days have been some of those "I'd like to run away now" days. I spent a few hours yesterday helping my son through an anxiety attack. He's not used to it like his sister, and he's more like his mother who keeps things inside and tries to deal with it alone. We worked through it; I stayed strong for him, but it was a hard day for me, too. I hurt when my babies hurt. Just little things nitpick away at me.

The ex refuses to respect the protective order boundaries and continues to communicate incessantly about things that are off-limits. Now I'm faced again with choosing whether or not to send him to jail. He just got bailed out today for other stupid decisions he made. I didn't bail him out, though. Good for me.

I'm dealing with people who overcomplicate things for reasons I don't understand. Just regular life things, but I have issues, now. I have anxiety. I have post traumatic stress, I have problems because of all the crap I've dealt with from him. If he would just leave me alone already I could be okay and heal and move on. 

I am no longer attending the self-help seminar I've been looking forward to for months because the ex scheduled to attend it and apparently will not reschedule himself. I don't know if the coordinators actually asked him to reschedule or if they just know I'm more of a pushover so they're giving him priority.

I no longer attend the 12-step group in our area because he goes now. He's taking it all away, still. Even now, now that I'm supposed to be free of him, he's still taking it all away.

He needs it more than me. But I want to come first. How about me first?

For once in our lives, why not me first!? 

For once in my life, why can't I have the courage to come first.

Screw this life. 

4/8/16

So, I was kind of mad that day. I said a lot of bad words that day. Well, a lot for me. One is a lot for me, but I said more than one. I'm leaving the angry post I wrote and posting it because it's real. It's vulnerable. As I've said, there is power and beauty in that.

I found out some of the things I was upset about were simple miscommunications and was able to laugh about them and work through them as I made my voice heard and stood up for myself just a little bit. I'm getting better at that.

I still don't get to attend my seminar. I still don't get to go to 12-step. I still have issues to deal with, but some of the smaller things are no longer things. That's nice.

Later that same day, I attended my military spouse support group. He can't take that from me, though he has tried. I love those people. We all get it. We understand without having to explain every detail. We can say, "He had an episode" and we all know exactly what we had to deal with and how difficult it was. That's an amazing thing, to be in a group of people who truly understand without minutes or hours of explanation. I don't mind explaining to those who don't understand--I'm practicing telling my secrets to remove the shame from them--but not being required to explain is nice sometimes, too.

Going to group is always good for me. It grounds and centers me and helps me see that I am not alone. But that particular day with those particular circumstances and the particular things that were shared by me and with me at group triggered me in some ways and knocked down one of the reservoirs inside of me. I found myself driving home from group laughing uncontrollably. I started out giggling, then it transformed into maniacal laughter. I was screeching with laughter. I could not stop. I tried to stop and could not stop.

I was terrified of myself.

I wondered if I was legitimately losing my mind. I talk about how I enjoy being weird and crazy, but I know I am actually quite sane. That feeling of being out of control of myself, really, truly out of control...I don't like it at all.

Soon, however, the laughter screeches turned to sobs, and I was back in control again. I cried tears of confusion at first, then of relief. It was a release. That was all. It was a release of something I had dammed up inside of me that group helped me to let go. I'm still not sure exactly what it was that I released, but it's released, now. I will figure it out eventually. I always do.

I am no longer angry, though. I am no longer in blame mode. I don't blame him or me or anyone. Things happen, and we deal with them the way we choose. There are consequences for those things that are out of our control. Right now it's about taking it one thing at a time, one moment at a time, one day at a time. I have many reservoirs and dams to knock down, but it will come.

I'm noticing patterns to my experiences. I work through a hard thing and learn a lesson, and then I am tested on that lesson. Sometimes I remember and pass the test. Sometimes I fail. Like I tell my students, we learn more from failure than from success if we choose to continue to try.

I will continue to fall, learn, grow, and fall again. I will continue to learn a lot, because I will never, ever give up. I might be justifiably insane at moments, but some of the best and biggest lessons I am learning from all this falling and failing, all this never giving up,

is that I will succeed, I will win, and I am worth it.