Safe

"Write hard and clear about what hurts."

~Ernest Hemingway~

Most of the time lately, I feel pretty good. I feel strong and able and even excited to face the challenges in front of me, because they are finally new and unknown and include more steps toward my own freedom and growth.

But every once-in-a-while, I feel a little off-kilter.

Sometimes, especially right when I'm trying to fall asleep at night, I'll get hit with this sense of fear and doubt. It's a huge brick wall of anxiety that slams into me and all I can do is think, "How in the world am I going to do this? Why did I ever think I could tackle this insurmountable obstacle? What am I going to do to make enough money, provide the things needed, fill in the holes left by my decision?" It's enough to keep me up well into the night with worry. When I'm finally able to get a grip on myself, I breathe, pray, and remind myself I am doing the right thing, the best thing. But oh my goodness, is it a big thing. An overwhelming thing. A thing that frequently makes me feel like a little girl playing grown-up who cannot handle this on her own.

Then today, at church, we sang a song. It's not my favorite hymn and I've sung it countless times, but God had a message for me in it today. The second and third verses especially had certain phrases that stood out to me:

2. Choose the right! Let no spirit of digression
Overcome you in the evil hour.
There's the right and the wrong to ev'ry question;
Be safe through inspirations pow'r.

3. Choose the right! There is peace in righteous doing.
Choose the right! There's safety for the soul.
Choose the right in all labors you're pursuing.
Let God and heaven be your goal.

I felt the Spirit pushing me to recognize the strength in those words. I can find peace in my decision, for I know it is right. I can be safe in knowing God will watch over me. I can find a steadiness as I keep my focus on the Savior and his gospel. I can have courage to get through all of this.

Then I came home and a friend posted this video on facebook, and I cried. 

"Men's hearts are failing, and that includes women, because they forget their identity and their purpose. Heartaches will come...To the individual who is weak in the heart, fearful in the heart, be patient with yourself. Perfection comes not in this life, but in the next life. Do not demand things that are unreasonable, but demand of yourself improvement. As you let the Lord help you through that, he will make the difference." 

--Elder Russell M. Nelson. 

That's how Heavenly Father works for me. It's not just one small thing that kind of helps me out, and then He's done. He's been trying to give me this message for so long. He's been pushing blessing after blessing my way, giving me gift after gift, guiding every movement, every moment in my life, hinting and hollering at me that "Everything is going to be okay. You are safe. Your children are safe. Your loved ones are safe. I've got this. You are all in my hands." 

I've heard it from my family. I've heard it from my friends. I've heard it from my Heavenly Father. Today, I'm finally starting to believe it. 

Just keep at it Big Guy. Someday, I'll get it. Thanks for not giving up on me.