Baby Steps
My daughter is a spitfire. She is twelve years old and small for her age (people often ask if she and her ten-year-old brother are twins), but boy does she make up for her size in personality and attitude, and I love her for it.
Around strangers she is super shy, and it takes her a while to warm up and trust other people. Once you are in her circle of trust, however, you get the opportunity to observe her clever, powerful personality--and it's dazzling.
On the flip side, when she's irritated, stressed, or anxious, she can let loose with a string of invectives that would make even a sailor cringe. While I lecture her on disrespect and punish her with groundings and soap in her mouth, I also slightly admire her. Raising my little knothead can be a challenge I don't feel up for some days, but I recently realized I have a lot to learn from her.
Disrespecting others is never okay, and she must learn that, but she has always been able to stand up for herself with her dad. He knows exactly where he stands at all times with her, and she is unafraid to let him know in no uncertain terms when he has crossed her boundaries or when she will not put up with his attempts to manipulate.While her tactics are not always necessarily ladylike, she protects herself and enforces her emotional boundaries and needs with her dad. This is a thing I have always struggled to do with him, and it has hurt all of us.
I must take a leaf out of her book, and stand up for myself. While I have learned a lot over the past little while and gotten better at standing up for myself with other people, I am still very much codependent with my ex. He knows exactly how to yank me around and cause the most damage. He goes on rants and I'll receive multiple phone calls and texts all throughout the day and night threatening me and my family members with all sorts of ridiculousness. I don't respond and he works himself out of his moods and never follows through with his threats, but it affects me and I find it very difficult to find peace until I receive that text or call where he is sane and sensible again. This rarely lasts long, either, and we are back to his ranting and raving again.
Yesterday, we attempted another meeting where we were supposed to try and come to some agreements about the divorce. I had let him know multiple times before that his threats were inappropriate and needed to stop, and I told him so again. He responded with something like, "You know I'm just blowing off steam," and this angered me. I finally told him how much his calls and texts affected me, how it upset me and hurt me when he did and said those things. I was never so straightforward with him about it before, because I didn't want him to know how much power he had over me. His reaction told me he didn't realize how much he had been hurting me. His addled mind truly believed that it didn't bother me that much and he felt like he could just dump on me all he wanted because I could handle it.
Since I let him know the truth of how hurtful his words have been, I have enjoyed a full 24 hours with only respectful communication from him. I know that doesn't sound like much, but for him based on the last few weeks, that's a miracle.
Such small, silly things I am learning. "I finally know how to tell him when he hurts my feelings." It reminds me so much of the phrase I and a million other mothers use with our kids: "Use your words."
It is like being a baby again, going through a divorce. I have to relearn who I am and how to be after so long being flung about by life. I have to patient with myself as I grow up again and become a big girl, able once more to stand on my own two feet.
I have a tendency to see how ridiculous I am and shake my head at my own stupidity and ignorance rather than realize how precious and resilient I am and how much progress I have made. I tend to say to myself, "Really? Were you so scared of his reaction you couldn't just tell him the truth the first time he did it and saved yourself a ton of stress? Are you seriously so emotionally dammed up you couldn't even tell him how you felt? Didn't you already discover the strength and power in being you and learn that you don't have to be afraid of anything?" The answer to all of it is yes. Yes, I'm scared. Yes, I'm confused. Yes, I'm imperfect. Yes, I know I am strong, but I forget.
I'm imperfect, and I forget. And that's okay.
I'm also strong. I'm also wise. I'm also competent.
And eventually, I'll get to the point where I don't forget that
as often.
There is another phrase we use as we teach our growing toddlers that I also need to apply to myself:
"Be soft."
Around strangers she is super shy, and it takes her a while to warm up and trust other people. Once you are in her circle of trust, however, you get the opportunity to observe her clever, powerful personality--and it's dazzling.On the flip side, when she's irritated, stressed, or anxious, she can let loose with a string of invectives that would make even a sailor cringe. While I lecture her on disrespect and punish her with groundings and soap in her mouth, I also slightly admire her. Raising my little knothead can be a challenge I don't feel up for some days, but I recently realized I have a lot to learn from her.
Disrespecting others is never okay, and she must learn that, but she has always been able to stand up for herself with her dad. He knows exactly where he stands at all times with her, and she is unafraid to let him know in no uncertain terms when he has crossed her boundaries or when she will not put up with his attempts to manipulate.While her tactics are not always necessarily ladylike, she protects herself and enforces her emotional boundaries and needs with her dad. This is a thing I have always struggled to do with him, and it has hurt all of us.
I must take a leaf out of her book, and stand up for myself. While I have learned a lot over the past little while and gotten better at standing up for myself with other people, I am still very much codependent with my ex. He knows exactly how to yank me around and cause the most damage. He goes on rants and I'll receive multiple phone calls and texts all throughout the day and night threatening me and my family members with all sorts of ridiculousness. I don't respond and he works himself out of his moods and never follows through with his threats, but it affects me and I find it very difficult to find peace until I receive that text or call where he is sane and sensible again. This rarely lasts long, either, and we are back to his ranting and raving again.
Yesterday, we attempted another meeting where we were supposed to try and come to some agreements about the divorce. I had let him know multiple times before that his threats were inappropriate and needed to stop, and I told him so again. He responded with something like, "You know I'm just blowing off steam," and this angered me. I finally told him how much his calls and texts affected me, how it upset me and hurt me when he did and said those things. I was never so straightforward with him about it before, because I didn't want him to know how much power he had over me. His reaction told me he didn't realize how much he had been hurting me. His addled mind truly believed that it didn't bother me that much and he felt like he could just dump on me all he wanted because I could handle it.
Since I let him know the truth of how hurtful his words have been, I have enjoyed a full 24 hours with only respectful communication from him. I know that doesn't sound like much, but for him based on the last few weeks, that's a miracle.
Such small, silly things I am learning. "I finally know how to tell him when he hurts my feelings." It reminds me so much of the phrase I and a million other mothers use with our kids: "Use your words."It is like being a baby again, going through a divorce. I have to relearn who I am and how to be after so long being flung about by life. I have to patient with myself as I grow up again and become a big girl, able once more to stand on my own two feet.
I have a tendency to see how ridiculous I am and shake my head at my own stupidity and ignorance rather than realize how precious and resilient I am and how much progress I have made. I tend to say to myself, "Really? Were you so scared of his reaction you couldn't just tell him the truth the first time he did it and saved yourself a ton of stress? Are you seriously so emotionally dammed up you couldn't even tell him how you felt? Didn't you already discover the strength and power in being you and learn that you don't have to be afraid of anything?" The answer to all of it is yes. Yes, I'm scared. Yes, I'm confused. Yes, I'm imperfect. Yes, I know I am strong, but I forget.
I'm imperfect, and I forget. And that's okay.
I'm also strong. I'm also wise. I'm also competent.
And eventually, I'll get to the point where I don't forget that
as often.
There is another phrase we use as we teach our growing toddlers that I also need to apply to myself:
"Be soft."
You are so strong. I'm glad you're finally finding your voice and believing us when we say how amazing you are! :)
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