A Beautiful Thing

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, 

people will forget what you did, 

but people will never forget how you made them feel."

~Maya Angelou~

This week should have been one of the hardest of my life. Five days ago, I was manipulated once again by his threats, which were more dangerous than ever before. Two days later, same thing. But it was different this week than it has been in the past. Yes, it affected me, and yes, I was worried and overwhelmed for a while, but each time he tries his tactics with me, they are a little less effective. Each time he threatens, I feel a little less fear. Each time he begs, I feel a little less guilt.

Every day, I feel like I am coming back to life a little bit more.

A lot of things are contributing to this phenomenon. Time and distance are major factors. I am moving forward with my life. I have new plans, new goals, and new perspectives to explore. But this week, the thing that helped me most was surprisingly simple and immensely powerful: I reached out to people.

Over the past ten years, I haven't let people fully into my life. Here and there I would reach out in desperation and share pieces of my story as a cry for help, but none have known the depth and breadth of what my little family was going through. I convinced myself it was safer not to let people in. I wanted to protect him from the stigma and judgment associated with his disabilities. I wanted to protect other people from knowing too much and worrying about us. I kept things to myself because I knew no one else could do anything about it, and I didn't want to admit to myself how out of control everything was.

But recently, I've started opening up. No one person knows everything, but I have a small group of loved ones that I trust and friends I feel are safe, and I've been writing, talking, and sharing. This has changed my world. I've learned that there is something about hardships that connects people, and as I have shared my experiences, I have made amazing connections with other people that have transformed me and helped me to heal.

I am so grateful for the people in my life right now that I can count on to be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. I am awed by the way things are clicking into place as I have taken these steps, and I am immensely thankful to Heavenly Father for placing the perfect people in my life at this time. I have such good friends, both old and brand new. I have a wonderful family who support and love and defend me.

I still have a long way to go, but I am continuing to learn that I can live again, that I might love again,

and that is a beautiful thing.