Happened

Something just happened.

I feel it in my back. It clenches and it hurts. It's a panic attack but different. Something somewhere else is bringing it. In my mind I see transluscent tendons reaching out from my back getting snapped. The muscles tense and clench. I'm writhing. Something is breaking. Something is happening. I pull off my rings and my bracelet. I don't want anything on my hands, touching my skin, and I don't know why.

I curl into a ball and cry.

It hurts and it's breaking. He's done something. He's doing something and it's breaking. It's dark. It's pain. He's losing a battle or I'm losing a battle and we're both breaking.

Am I insane? Am I attaching blame to something that isn't there? Something hurts for real and something feels like it is broken

for good.

I can't stop shaking. I try to pull the bobby pins out of my hair and my hands are trembling too hard and I hit myself in the head. I breathe in, and out, in, and out, like the ocean waves. 

Shhh.

I have to know what happened so I reach out to him.

"What just happened? I felt something happen."

"What did you feel?"

"Did something happen?"

"It will be ok, how did you feel it? What do you mean?"

"What happened? Tell me what happened so I can understand what I felt. It hurt. Something broke. Tell me what happened."

He ignores me. So I know my intuition is right and the broken has won.

Later:

He finally responds. He had a rough night and did some heavy battling. His mom needed some help, too. I can tell he's not telling me everything, but I don't have a right to know all the things anymore. I still don't know what broke. There are missing pieces that I might never find.