Optimus Prime

I'm weary of feeling miserable. Time to shift. Today marks three weeks since I broke up. He has been broken up for a while, I guess, but for me it's been three weeks. Time for grief to release its grip at least a little bit, and time for me to begin to rise. This one is going to take some intention and hard work. It always does, but this one's vice-like grip is very strong and I will need to pry its rigor mortis fingers off one by one.

One step needs to be getting away from him. At first, he was apologetic and owning his part, but I can feel him shifting back into avoidance and denial and the energy is becoming resentful and victimized...like mine. I don't know how I know this but I just do. We're still connected. I want more of a separation. Seeing him constantly at work on the trainings, getting all the motivational messages and interacting with everything we built together in the business--I don't know how to keep it healthy. I thought I could do it at first but it feels so strange and off. This is the only thing he has, but I have other things. I'm going to reach out and see if there is more to build in my processing field and put more into that full time. He'll see it as proving how I wasn't going to actually be what he thought I was, but he isn't what I thought he was, so we'll finally be even, I guess. I can't care about that. I need to get away from him because being around him is confusing and painful and it's so hard to see past him when he's right there all the time. It will be better for both of us to not be right in front of each other all the time.

Another step needs to be gratitude. That will keep the darkness away the best, I think. See what I have, not what I lack. See what I gained, not what I lost. Apply The Experience Transformer (The Gap and the Gain, by Dan Sullivan).

What about this relationship worked?

--We had a lot in common with goals and dreams. We were both good people with good hearts and good intentions.

What "usefulness" can I get from this experience to improve my future?

--I acquired skills and possible opportunities in ways I otherwise might not have. I can use the knowledge and skillset with money management and estate planning. I can use my skills in taking action and facing fears and speaking up. I can be an estate planning rep and travel to conferences and train people how to assume the close and connect with clients via estate planning services as an easy opening. I can be a mentor and trainer for the various positions at the firm. I can be a consultant and help them discover ways to improve their visual as well as verbal presentations.

What can I learn from this experience about what I don't want?

--I can make sure to find someone in the future who accepts me wholly as I am and doesn't want me to change to meet some version of his ideal. I can meet someone who has progressed enough in his healing journey that he is in a place where he can match me in mine. I can work to stay true to my own identity, wishes, and dreams and not get absorbed in someone else's, but still support and encourage each other in our individual and collective existence. I can find someone who will always save me a seat next to them and prioritize me and my accomplishments, and I will work to prioritize them and theirs.

Knowing what I know now, because I've had this experience, how will I approach my future differently?

--I will work to not throw myself into someone or something just because it/he shows up in my life. I will work to maintain effective and healthy boundaries and behavior patterns and make sure to tolerate only behavior that is healthy and respectful towards myself or anyone else. If someone shows me who and what they are, I will believe them the first time and work to see reality as a whole instead of only ideals.

What about this experience am I grateful for?

--I am grateful for how it kickstarted and accelerated my personal growth and career transition. I'm grateful for the traveling and adventures I had. I'm grateful for the people I met and the connections I made. I'm grateful for the time I felt truly happy and relieved and excited and hopeful and joyful. I'm grateful I knew what that felt like at least for a little while.

I'm still working to take full ownership of this experience. I still feel a little victimized and sad and grieving, but this helped a lot. I see a path forward, a different space, a new possible future that's still full and vibrant.

Time to put my chin up and continue creating a future. It's still there, just a little different color and flavor than I thought. I'll make sure it's even better than it would have been.