Save Me a Seat

He didn't save me a seat at the table.

For me, that's when it really started. For him, I guess it had been going on for months before that with him feeling pressured into things he wasn't ready for with the engagement and the wedding plans. I thought simply allowing him more time would be enough. I thought we were still trying to work things out as a couple but taking a time out to think and heal and reorient.

I feel like such an idiot. I felt so humiliated that night when he didn't save me a seat in front of all of our coworkers who still thought we were engaged. We had talked about not making it awkward for everyone and very first thing, he didn't save me a seat.

Then, we talked and resolved it and I thought we were reconciling. I started wearing the ring again. He went on his solo trip and thought about things and came home ready to commit and set a date. Then two days later he got stuck in his head again and started making up stories about how I don't give him enough attention and this weekend I found out that for weeks he's been telling people we weren't engaged and talking to other women as if he were single and available.

And I was still wearing the fucking ring.

So, so humiliated.

He calls it data gathering. He said he wanted to see if he was actually having unrealistic expectations as far as how much people do communicate. He says he realizes I was right. 

Congratulations to us. I was right and his incessant need for constant attention is unstable and unhealthy and I am not lacking in the way I show him attention.

It took talking to another woman for him to figure that out. My wisdom, my experience, my perspective is not enough for him. He has to go find out from another woman.

He calls it data gathering. I call it betrayal.

He says he thought it was clear to both of us that we were broken up. He says that when we talked about me wearing the ring again he told me I could do whatever I wanted because it was my ring and he didn't realize it meant that we were back together again. I wonder how someone could be that clueless.

Maybe he did communicate clearly that we were broken up and in my head I was in denial and wanted it to be the way I wanted it. Maybe he didn't communicate it as clearly as he thought because he's not ready for commitment and still wants to reach out to other women while still having me on the hook.

Maybe.

Maybe.

I'm done with maybe.

I believe him, too. I believe him when he says he didn't mean to hurt me and his actions have all been to try and figure out what's truly best for us. I believe him that he had no comprehension that he was betraying me by talking to another woman as if he was single and available. He hasn't been on any dates. He hasn't joined any dating apps. He was just trying to figure out what was real. I believe him.

And I'm in utter disbelief that he felt like that was the only and best way to go about it and it terrifies me that he could be so unintentionally cruel.

What else has happened that I don't know about? What else has he said or done that makes me look like a complete fool scampering around all giddy and happy and ready to marry the love of my life while he's still not sure if he's ready for me to be his girlfriend again, let alone be sealed for time and all eternity?

He's been so scared of this. He's been scared of getting back into a situation like the one he had before. He's been so scared of moving forward. He's been so scared of himself. I've been so sure that what we have is worth fighting for. I've been so sure that the pros so heavily outweigh the cons that we could get through anything. I've been so sure that I am what he wants and needs and that he is what I want and need.

I was so sure.

And now I am scared, too.

He has so much more pain and darkness than I realized. I'm not scared of the pain or darkness he has. I understand it. But I am scared of how he projects it onto me and sees me as if I have the same intentions and motivations as his ex. It makes sense why he does that. He hasn't had enough time. He hasn't had enough healing. I thought I could be at his side through that and help him. I wanted to be an anchor, a pillar for him to hold onto while he figured it out. But he isn't capable of purging without splashing it all over me, too.

I don't fault him for it. He's human. He's suffering. He's healing. He's fighting so hard to be whole. But his trauma responses and avoidance of fully committing to me hurt too much.

He says he does know I'm what he wants but he is so messed up and not ready and doesn't want to hurt me. He has been trying to tell me he isn't ready. He has been showing me how he's not healed. I need to start believing him and stop thinking that my presence will simply make it okay. I've been trying to be enough for both of us. That's codependence.

I love him so damn much, though. I love how he goes to church and fulfills his callings and goes to the temple even when he's mad at God and doesn't like Him very much. I love how dedicated he is to reading self-help books and going to counseling and trying so hard to be healthy even though it's not working fast enough. I love what a hard worker he is and how much he wants to give and serve. I love that he's the kind of friend people call in the middle of the night when they need help. I love his ambition and his passion for making his dreams come true. I love how good he is at helping other people do the same. I love how he's tall and big and has a deep voice and his way of grabbing and hugging and kissing me and how small and safe I used to feel in his arms. 

But I don't feel safe there right now, and I can't ignore that or pretend it away because of all the good things.

I want someone who isn't afraid of all he and I can be together. I want someone who can see that I am worth fighting for, flaws and imperfections and all. I want someone who will do everything he can to break down any barrier, physical or mental, to make sure he gets to keep me forever. I want someone who will not push me away when things get tough, but pull me closer because he knows that together, we can conquer everything. I want someone who faces the fear head on because he knows that's a signal there's something incomprehensibly beautiful on the other side.

I want someone like that because that is who I am. That is what I have tried so hard to do in this relationship, but I can't do it and be it by myself. I still have some hope that he will be that for me, for us. But I can't sit around and wait for it to happen anymore.

I want and deserve someone who will without exception and no matter what always save me a seat at his side at the table. A big part of me hopes that can be him and wants to wait and be patient and be forgiving. I see the adversary in this trying to rip us apart because if we make it through this we will accomplish so much good for so many people. I see how fighting for this would still be worth it because of how strong it could make both of us individually and as a couple. And I see the unhealthy and destructive behavior patterns that keep showing up again and again and how I would be a complete fool to continue allowing him to humiliate me over and over and over.

Heavenly Father, please help me see what's real. Please help me know the way. I'm so tired and I don't know what to do.

This time, writing didn't fix it.