Words

I recently had the opportunity to be interviewed on a podcast and share a piece of my story. The host asked me about my fear-facing experiences and we discussed how I now use fear as a compass to guide me instead of shying away from it. The interview went really well and the host complimented me afterward and asked if she could also reference our discussion on her blog. I happily agreed.

Of course, once the podcast came out, I listened to it. Nothing too cringy. I still felt proud.

And then the transcript of parts of our discussion was printed. 

The host did a beautiful job weaving her thoughts through my words and explaining how she felt inspired by what I had said. And what I said was great...except for one word repeated over and over and over again:

Just.

"I just...I'm just...it's just..."

In writing, there's a hard and fast rule that repetition is annoying. It's the same with speaking. If a person says "um" or "like" too many times, it gets distracting. That "just" word was very distracting, and I felt a little embarrassed. Obviously, the blog writer and podcast host didn't mind and felt it still worthy of sharing. I'm grateful for that, but that word caused me to pause as I saw my verbal language transcribed that way. It caused me to reflect on the subtext of that word and what I was truly saying about myself with that qualifier.

Just is a minimizing adverb the way I was using it. It's a disclaimer. It's a word that means, "this is less important than it could be." It means what I accomplished and what I was sharing and what I wanted to say were not as important as they could be. I was minimizing myself.

I've worked a really long time and put a lot of effort into loving and accepting myself. I've delved deep and faced my darkness and felt my worth as a daughter of God. I love myself. And I still subconsciously diminish my own ideas and perspectives and experiences. Oops.

Now I see it, though, and boy has it been a complete vocabulary shift. But I'm getting better. I sometimes stutter and pause and retrace my words and replace them with others, but words matter and I want them to build and create and expand myself and others as well.

Little shifts and adjustments lead to permanent and powerful changes.

It's an adventure.

Previous words on the choppoing block:

should, normal

Next word on the chopping block: 

but