Move

I'm allowed to want things.

For so much of my life, I maintained this mindset that denying myself the things that brought me joy somehow elevated my existence. I didn't feel like I was living according to God's will if I allowed myself to have what I wanted. 

That's messed up.

We're told to sacrifice, to deny the natural man, to have discipline. Yeah, we need to not commit sin in the name of self-care, but is it really God's will for me to be miserable all the time?

Absolutely not.

This mentality is still a factory setting for me, though. I still struggle to be comfortable doing what I want to do, especially if it means putting myself before the needs or wants of other people.

But I've been practicing.

I'm moving. I didn't have a big revelation to move out of this tiny, sweet little town. I didn't have some vision of how uprooting my family from the one place they've had as a consistency in their lives would be a good thing, but small--and a couple of bigger--moments have been happening over the last few months that have encouraged me to go ahead and take the next step. It feels like the right thing, and I want to do it. So I'm going to do it. Because I want to.

I've done the legwork, reached out to people, examined options for housing and income. I think I have a place to stay. I think I'll be able to figure out some ways to increase my income and make it affordable.

I've involved Heavenly Father, asking him to support me and make it doable for me, and He has helped me. I asked for His help, but not really for His permission. I want this. I need this. My son needs this, too, which helps me have the gumption to do it, but mostly, it's for me. I'm working really hard on letting that be enough.

It's been good practice to share the news. Most people are sad but smile for me when I tell them I know it's the right thing. Some people already know it's right. One dear friend even said, "You'll be so much happier there." Me. I'll be happier there. Not my family or my neighbors or my friends, but me. I will be happier there. And that's enough of a reason. I'm working on it being enough of a reason.

I can tell something is waiting for me.

The scriptures and messages I've been hearing are showing me that something is waiting. Last week, I heard a story about how God created a rock formation thousands of years ago that protected the pioneers from the elements thousands of years later. If he cares enough to orchestrate that for them, what is being prepared for me?

This week, I heard a story about how a young black man's parents started saving for his mission during a time when black people were not allowed to hold the priesthood. A declaration allowed him to have the priesthood just in time for him to be the first black person to serve a full-time mission. If their faith can open that kind of door for them, what can mine do for me?

My righteous desires are allowed. My happiness is allowed. Yes, I need to work hard, have faith, seek guidance, do the legwork, but it's also okay to want things.

It's okay to want things, and have them, too.