Examining

It's testing time.

In all the places, in all the ways, testing is happening.

My students are taking tests. My students are testing me. Do I have enough patience to tolerate it all? Have I learned enough about boundaries to maintain my own sanity?

I'm a bit of a weirdo when it comes to testing. It's extremely stressful to prepare for a difficult test, but then, once I get into the actual exam portion, I thrive. I feel almost disappointed when the exam is over. I often feel like I had even more to give, if only the instructor had pushed me a little harder. This happens in the cases where I'm well-prepared. If I'm not prepared, or if the test feels ridiculous because the instructor isn't any good, then I just do my best.

I feel like life tests are more like the first kind. There is a really good instructor. He gives us all the material we need. Sometimes, though, I misunderstand the material or get distracted and don't prepare correctly. When I'm prepared and the test comes, I can face it head on and get through it, feeling satisfied, even exultant. When I'm not prepared or when I don't understand, I am buffeted about by the confusion and it doesn't feel like I'm going to pass.

Right now, I'm not sure if it's a preparation phase or a testing phase. Some of both, I imagine. I'm feeling confused, so either I'm still learning the material or haven't prepared well enough.

I can't find a course that feels peaceful with my career. Sometimes, I think I can stick it out with teaching high school. The retirement and benefits are really good compared to most other places. But the low pay and high stress are also not comparable to most places. Then, I think how great it would be to become a therapist. But that would require starting over in so many ways that I'm not sure I want to do. And it's also a profession I predict will exhaust me eventually.

I could be an audio book reader.

I could be a college professor.

I could be a victims' advocate.

I could be a waitress or a personal trainer or a life coach.

Maybe it's less about what I do and more about how. Maybe all of these job options have equally as much possibility of exhausting me. Maybe it's not about how the job exhausts me, but how I exhaust myself.

Huh.

I think I just figured out the answer to one of the questions on the exam.