Breaking Point

It makes me laugh, looking back on those last two posts. How I was so proud of maintaining healthy boundaries, only to realize that half of the battle was on his side. That when the man I am with doesn't have set boundaries against me, I struggle much more dramatically to stay healthy on my end. Oh well.

C'est la vie.

I no longer feel sure that I'll figure it out. I no longer feel sure that I'll ever get to a healthy place with men. It's not a hopelessness type of thing, more like an acceptance. Even with all the progress I've made--and I do acknowledge my progress. I've made leaps and bounds--I still only attract toxic, dangerous individuals. I'm not sure if that's because that's the only thing out there in my demographic, or if something about me repels healthy and attracts poisonous.

I have made some mild discoveries, however, on why I tend to break men. 

Looking back on all of my previous relationships, real or imagined, I see patterns. The culmination and ending of all of them seems to include a variant of the men pushing themselves past their own limits to make me happy and self-destructing in the process. Sometimes, it's a gracious bowing out, a simple, "sorry, I can't be what you deserve" kind of gesture. Other times they've blatantly run away. Other times they've imploded and created a black hole out of themselves. However I do it, I break them.

I don't blame myself for this. They make their own decisions, but I can't help but acknowledge the patterns.

I feel like I'm willing to tolerate quite a bit of imperfection. I feel like I have a realistic perspective of human beings and understand mistakes. I feel like I'm willing to work through flaws, forgive, and tolerate. I feel like I'm pretty good at those things (for everyone other than myself, but that's another journal entry). 

I've worked really hard to become the kind of person who deserves someone extraordinary, but in doing so, I feel like all the men I come in contact with who are interested in pursuing a relationship with me quickly come to the realization that they do not deserve me and never will.

I sound so vain and narcissistic. "I'm amazing and all the men will never deserve me." That truly isn't my perspective, but it seems to be theirs. 

It feels like everyone on my level is looking for someone above my level, and everyone interested in pursuing something with me realizes they'll never live up to what I deserve.

What fun.

We'll see if I can sustainably occupy the space where I am satisfied with the love of my family and friends and stop looking for anything else. Right now, I don't know what else to do to stay healthy and avoid pushing others past their breaking point.

I guess we'll see what happens next.