Dammed Pride

We're in the middle of a worldwide pandemic from the COVID-19 virus. It's been fascinating to watch the various reactions and responses by individuals and government entities. It's been fascinating to watch the responses of myself and my children. It sent us spinning into trauma mode there for a little bit, particularly when we found out we wouldn't be returning to school at all this year. That was tough. The daughter and I both cried. The son went to his bedroom for a couple of days. We all retreated into our survival spaces and had some unhealthy behavior patterns reemerge. But we fought through it like we always do, and now we're readjusting to this new normal. It really brings out the worst and then the best in us.

Here are a couple of things I've learned about myself as a result of being trapped inside the house and inside of my head:

1. I still have a lot to work through. As I have been forced to occupy my mind more often, I've discovered some secret, dark spaces that still need decluttering.

2. I am no longer afraid of my dark spaces. I get a bit of a jolt when they surprise me, but I almost feel relief that they're there. Let me explain why.

For a while, I slipped into a dangerous space of fault-finding with others, particularly single men in my demographic. To protect myself, whenever I got rejected, I would find something wrong with that particular person to make myself feel better about the rejection. This is a common practice for many people, but not a healthy one. I didn't gossip about them or share this (sometimes imagined) fault with others, but I'd see them in a negative light in order to no longer desire that person in my life.

I began to realize I was putting myself in a space of man-hating and projecting these faults of individuals onto all men. To try to cure myself of this, I tried to think of what people might not like about me to balance it out and make things more fair. I couldn't think of anything. This disturbed me. I recognized the pride that had seeped in and settled comfortably in my heart without me even recognizing it.

Self-love is important and necessary, and I've worked for years cultivating a love for myself and accepting myself with my flaws. For so long, all I ever saw about myself were my flaws. Once again, instead of finding a healthy balance, I had slipped to the opposite extreme and required some knocking around (emotionally) to dislodge things and get to a healthy space. This realization that I could not see my own flaws was my first step. I still harbored the negativity and man-hating tendencies.

One evening, in the midst of my mental boxing match, two of my single, male friends came over. I began expressing my frustrations about men to them. They listened patiently but also a little defensively. In the middle of my mild tantrum, I stopped mid-sentence. Suddenly and very clearly I saw myself reflected in all the frustrations I was projecting onto men. I had to leave the room and go cry in my bedroom out of embarrassment and irritation at myself, but mostly, out of relief. The pride wall had fractured and burst, and now I could see again. All the flaws I was choosing to see in them were the flaws I was choosing not to see in myself.

I transformed my perspective at that point. No longer would I be upset with a man for not choosing me, but I would understand that, if it doesn't work out with that person, it's because Heavenly Father has something better for me in mind. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with that man, and it doesn't mean I'm not good enough for him. It means God has a plan in place for both of us that is better than the one I can see. This perspective provides so much more peace, comfort, and almost excitement when someone doesn't choose me. If this man whom I see as wonderful in so many ways isn't the one for me, that means someone even better for me is on his way if I have the patience and fortitude to wait on God's timing.

A colleague asked a while ago for me to complete this thought regarding the pandemic: "Someday, we will all look back on this and think..." At this point, mostly, I'll look back and think, "I'm glad that's over!" But I'll also look back on it with gratitude for forcing me to think a little bit deeper, learn a little bit more, and be a little bit better.