Pretty Words

Pain has become more comfortable than happiness. Even as my body shakes with soul-shattering sobs, there's a sense of relief behind it. A sense of familiarity. I know this space. I understand it; I know how to navigate it; I know how to survive here. Happiness is a coy mistress, flitting about, teasing with sweet caresses and then dashing away again. But pain is solid. It's real. It's inevitable. Pain feels more trustworthy and constant. It almost feels...safe.

Inside of pain I am invulnerable. The walls of my pain fortress are sturdy. Even as the spheres of hope I tentatively created shatter--and pieces of my heart along with it--I am also still somehow protected. Pain brings with it a sense of resolve. A sense of determination and steadfastness. It's an old friend that has returned to say hello and let me know that it never really left, just took a back seat to naivete for a little while.

I see the best in people. I can't help it. I thought I had become wiser in not ignoring the darkness in people. I do see great capacity for evil in some, but almost everyone has that, as well as a great potential for light. I thought I had gotten better at recognizing healthy versus unhealthy, safe versus unsafe. A part of me is good at that. But I stifled that part of me in lieu of what my eyes saw and what my mind wanted to think. I shall give greater heed to that part of me in future that sees deeper and truer than the eyes can see and the mind can comprehend.

I shall strive to be healthy, to not allow this to destroy any of the best parts of me. I shall work to learn and progress and heal again and again and again like I always do. But another shift has happened inside of me. Another lesson that cannot be unlearned. Hopefully it will be for the better. For now, the hurt will hold my hand and shelter me and give me an additional lens through which to filter the world until I dare step out into it once more.