Fixed
I figured it out. I thought I was going through withdrawals from men and that was why I was depressed. And I was going through withdrawals, but not necessarily from people.
I was--am--going through withdrawals from fixing.
I sank into another pretty deep depression for a bit. This one lasted a couple of weeks and I'm just now sloughing it off. One of the keys to figuring out my way out of it was understanding the why of it.
I'm big on understanding.
One of the best ways I have to figure out the whys is by talking with my safe people. I had begun depending on unsafe people too often, the ones who are confusing and shift back and forth and around and I'm not sure where I stand with them. I love all of my friends, but some are more safe than others. I had been trying to feel safe and peaceful with the ones who aren't the safest and most peaceful. Finally, I remembered my safest spaces and reached out to them instead. And it worked.
During one conversation with a safe person, I realized that I was correct that part of the why of my depression was withdrawals, but not from men. It was from another bout of codependency I had fallen into without realizing it. I had severed my ties to my "projects." I hadn't intended to make them projects. I hadn't intentionally been trying to fix them. But I had fallen into those old patterns of wanting to know how they were doing each day, and of feeling happy or sad depending on how well they were currently feeling and functioning, and wanting to help them know what to do and how to be to be happy so that I could feel happy, too. I wanted them to give me my value.
Oops. My bad.
The hard part about it was I still wanted to be codependent on them, specifically one him. It wasn't a realization of "Oh crap, I'm doing this again! Run away!" It was "I'm doing this but it feels comfortable and and familiar and I want to keep doing it. He feels comfortable and familiar and I want to keep him."
Dangerous game.
One of my greatest fears is that I will fall into the same kind of relationship I had before. That fear is not an unhealthy one; it has value. This is another reason why talking with my safe people is so important. I need their perspectives. I need their input. I need to have people to rely on and trust to show me what I cannot see.
I am a very self-aware, realistic person. But I have blind spots. Big ones. I need other eyes to help me see, sometimes. I still trust myself, though. I can sense when I am having blind spots and need others to help me see, and that's a very good thing. I feel like as I practice recognizing and allowing others to help me see my blind spots, they will get smaller.
I keep trying to expect myself to be all better right now. I keep trying to be impatient with myself when I mess up or fall into old patterns or can't figure out the whys right away. But then I remind myself, "Self, you have experienced over a decade of manipulation and trauma that only increased in severity after you cut ties with it. You cannot expect yourself to be all healed up and fine when the trauma only abated a couple of months ago and you are still dealing with the repercussions of all of that." Thanks, Self, for the reminder. And may I add you are amazing and powerful
and I love you.
I was--am--going through withdrawals from fixing.
I sank into another pretty deep depression for a bit. This one lasted a couple of weeks and I'm just now sloughing it off. One of the keys to figuring out my way out of it was understanding the why of it.
I'm big on understanding.
One of the best ways I have to figure out the whys is by talking with my safe people. I had begun depending on unsafe people too often, the ones who are confusing and shift back and forth and around and I'm not sure where I stand with them. I love all of my friends, but some are more safe than others. I had been trying to feel safe and peaceful with the ones who aren't the safest and most peaceful. Finally, I remembered my safest spaces and reached out to them instead. And it worked.
During one conversation with a safe person, I realized that I was correct that part of the why of my depression was withdrawals, but not from men. It was from another bout of codependency I had fallen into without realizing it. I had severed my ties to my "projects." I hadn't intended to make them projects. I hadn't intentionally been trying to fix them. But I had fallen into those old patterns of wanting to know how they were doing each day, and of feeling happy or sad depending on how well they were currently feeling and functioning, and wanting to help them know what to do and how to be to be happy so that I could feel happy, too. I wanted them to give me my value.
Oops. My bad.
The hard part about it was I still wanted to be codependent on them, specifically one him. It wasn't a realization of "Oh crap, I'm doing this again! Run away!" It was "I'm doing this but it feels comfortable and and familiar and I want to keep doing it. He feels comfortable and familiar and I want to keep him."
Dangerous game.
One of my greatest fears is that I will fall into the same kind of relationship I had before. That fear is not an unhealthy one; it has value. This is another reason why talking with my safe people is so important. I need their perspectives. I need their input. I need to have people to rely on and trust to show me what I cannot see.
I am a very self-aware, realistic person. But I have blind spots. Big ones. I need other eyes to help me see, sometimes. I still trust myself, though. I can sense when I am having blind spots and need others to help me see, and that's a very good thing. I feel like as I practice recognizing and allowing others to help me see my blind spots, they will get smaller.
I keep trying to expect myself to be all better right now. I keep trying to be impatient with myself when I mess up or fall into old patterns or can't figure out the whys right away. But then I remind myself, "Self, you have experienced over a decade of manipulation and trauma that only increased in severity after you cut ties with it. You cannot expect yourself to be all healed up and fine when the trauma only abated a couple of months ago and you are still dealing with the repercussions of all of that." Thanks, Self, for the reminder. And may I add you are amazing and powerful
and I love you.
Comments
Post a Comment