Falling In Love
I'm ready to fall in love. Really, truly, completely, unconditionally. I'm ready to fall in love
with my own life.
I'm tired of trying to find someone to complete me. I told myself I wasn't doing that. I told myself I was feeling whole and healthy and was ready to find someone else to enrich my life, but not complete it.
I lied to myself.
Until I don't feel like I need him, I won't find him. I'm still too desperate for affection too often. I still get depressed when I don't have a special someone who messages me daily or wants to see me. I still constantly just get let down by those people over and over again. I've been slowly taking a step back from all that, slowly giving less and less energy to that scene. I don't message them back very often. I don't seek after any attention, and they eventually stop trying to give me any energy as well. Yesterday, I didn't get a single message from any of them. I told myself I was happy with that. I told myself I was glad that they had all given me a break. I lied to myself then, too.
I am depressed. I think it's like going through withdrawals. I'm going through withdrawals from my addiction to men. It's necessary, but painful. I need to fill in the spaces left with something good and happy and wholesome. I need to fill in the spaces with improving relationships with my kids and family and friends.
I was reading an article about brain synapses, and how they are built and strengthened by frequent use, and how those never used are "recycled" and gotten rid of. I want more of my brain synapses used up by wholesome things and less by pining about men.
So, I'm ready to fall in love with my own life.
I have goals that I'm still striving toward. I have dreams that I want to make realities. I just don't know how to be alone in these things. I've never actually had a partner to help me, so I don't know why I feel so dependent on having one, now. It's harder now, though. It's harder to feel motivated to make plans when I want to also stay open to whatever life has in store for me as far as my him.
I don't know what to do.
Just day by day, I guess. Keep going, keep slogging, keep trying.
And don't give up.
Something will turn up.
with my own life.
I'm tired of trying to find someone to complete me. I told myself I wasn't doing that. I told myself I was feeling whole and healthy and was ready to find someone else to enrich my life, but not complete it.
I lied to myself.
Until I don't feel like I need him, I won't find him. I'm still too desperate for affection too often. I still get depressed when I don't have a special someone who messages me daily or wants to see me. I still constantly just get let down by those people over and over again. I've been slowly taking a step back from all that, slowly giving less and less energy to that scene. I don't message them back very often. I don't seek after any attention, and they eventually stop trying to give me any energy as well. Yesterday, I didn't get a single message from any of them. I told myself I was happy with that. I told myself I was glad that they had all given me a break. I lied to myself then, too.
I am depressed. I think it's like going through withdrawals. I'm going through withdrawals from my addiction to men. It's necessary, but painful. I need to fill in the spaces left with something good and happy and wholesome. I need to fill in the spaces with improving relationships with my kids and family and friends.
I was reading an article about brain synapses, and how they are built and strengthened by frequent use, and how those never used are "recycled" and gotten rid of. I want more of my brain synapses used up by wholesome things and less by pining about men.
So, I'm ready to fall in love with my own life.
I have goals that I'm still striving toward. I have dreams that I want to make realities. I just don't know how to be alone in these things. I've never actually had a partner to help me, so I don't know why I feel so dependent on having one, now. It's harder now, though. It's harder to feel motivated to make plans when I want to also stay open to whatever life has in store for me as far as my him.
I don't know what to do.
Just day by day, I guess. Keep going, keep slogging, keep trying.
And don't give up.
Something will turn up.
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