Step 1
I need help. Things are a little out of control. I am still not healthy. Step 1: Admit that you have a problem and that you are powerless to overcome it. I admit. I admit my head off.
A while ago I posted that I exhibited all the trauma symptoms except obsessive compulsion. I see it now. Addiction is an obsession, a compulsion. I get obsessed with things, with people. People are my drug of choice. There are lots and lots of people.
There are lots and lots of men.
I am pretty. I did not know this. I joined an online dating website just to see what it would be like, what was out there. It's hilarious that I was worried it would be hard to find dates. It's not. I have to hold them off, filter through them, find the ones that might be worth my time. I need to be a queen. At first, I said hello back to every one. I learned I don't have to be nice. I learned I have to say no, to block them, to not give more than I want to spare their feelings. There are lots of wolves out there. I must be an Alpha female. I must be selective. I am exceptional. I'm looking for exceptional. I will not settle.
But some of them are just so dang cute.
I am also a bit shallow. I did not know this, either.
Already made some mistakes. Don't worry, Mom, I'm still temple worthy. But I've made some mistakes. Going out with a guy I had just met to a non-public location. Making out on a first date. (But he was just so dang cute!) It was inevitable. I'm still healing and vulnerable. Probably not ready to date yet. But I'm dating. Boy, am I dating. And it feels so good to learn I am still desirable. I am intelligent and witty and charming and funny and adorable. I am good at flirting and I enjoy playing with men. I have 4 or 5 strung along right now. They're messaging me, desperate to meet me or see me again. One of them I could see something actually happening with. The rest are just for fun. I've told them this and they still come around, even when the fun is actually just plain good old non-physical laughing together fun.
Dating as an adult is very different than before. Most of us are more confident, now, more straightforward. More forward in general. It's usually easy to filter out the d-bags fairly quickly, but a couple have made it past the initial filters and only professed their true intentions later on. Still caught them early enough, though.
I'm learning what I like and don't like, what I will and won't put up with. Practicing implementing and enforcing my boundaries, failing at it, then getting stronger at it. Using my discernment. Discernment practice is a good thing. Learning.
But to my problem: hours and hours a day messaging, snapchatting, texting, and then messaging, snapchatting, and texting some more. House is a mess. Like, beyond gross mess. Papers still ungraded. People--my kids--neglected.
We are only as sick as our secrets. I'm telling. Removing the shame. Judge me if you will. I am so far from perfect I have no comprehension of how to possibly attempt getting there. I'm admitting. I'm making the first step.
I can't remember how to make me focus and do. I used to only focus and do. Now I'm distracted and never done. Balance. Where is balance? Where is self-discipline? Where is caring about things that are actually important more than--this stuff? It gives me a high. It was new and I was obsessed and now I've had my fix and need to stop. They keep coming, though, and I want them to.
Step 1: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
Step 1, check.
Step 2: Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.
Okay, step two. Bring it on. He needs to be my number one fella and the one I turn to first and foremost. He loves me the most and treats me like a queen, because that's what He wants me to become. Because that is the way He sees me. I am precious to Him. He needs to be my priority because in making Him first, all else falls much more easily into place. I need Him every day, every second. I can't be this, do this, I can't succeed at this life without Him. But with Him I am exceptional. In His arms I am safe and in His love I am whole. No one else can do all of that for me, no matter how hard I try to get them to. Only Him.
Okay, now I am remembering. Now I am focusing. Next step, one step at a time, sometimes only baby steps, but always moving forward, always looking up, always remembering Him.
Stay focused on Him.
A while ago I posted that I exhibited all the trauma symptoms except obsessive compulsion. I see it now. Addiction is an obsession, a compulsion. I get obsessed with things, with people. People are my drug of choice. There are lots and lots of people.
There are lots and lots of men.
I am pretty. I did not know this. I joined an online dating website just to see what it would be like, what was out there. It's hilarious that I was worried it would be hard to find dates. It's not. I have to hold them off, filter through them, find the ones that might be worth my time. I need to be a queen. At first, I said hello back to every one. I learned I don't have to be nice. I learned I have to say no, to block them, to not give more than I want to spare their feelings. There are lots of wolves out there. I must be an Alpha female. I must be selective. I am exceptional. I'm looking for exceptional. I will not settle.
But some of them are just so dang cute.
I am also a bit shallow. I did not know this, either.
Already made some mistakes. Don't worry, Mom, I'm still temple worthy. But I've made some mistakes. Going out with a guy I had just met to a non-public location. Making out on a first date. (But he was just so dang cute!) It was inevitable. I'm still healing and vulnerable. Probably not ready to date yet. But I'm dating. Boy, am I dating. And it feels so good to learn I am still desirable. I am intelligent and witty and charming and funny and adorable. I am good at flirting and I enjoy playing with men. I have 4 or 5 strung along right now. They're messaging me, desperate to meet me or see me again. One of them I could see something actually happening with. The rest are just for fun. I've told them this and they still come around, even when the fun is actually just plain good old non-physical laughing together fun.
Dating as an adult is very different than before. Most of us are more confident, now, more straightforward. More forward in general. It's usually easy to filter out the d-bags fairly quickly, but a couple have made it past the initial filters and only professed their true intentions later on. Still caught them early enough, though.
I'm learning what I like and don't like, what I will and won't put up with. Practicing implementing and enforcing my boundaries, failing at it, then getting stronger at it. Using my discernment. Discernment practice is a good thing. Learning.
But to my problem: hours and hours a day messaging, snapchatting, texting, and then messaging, snapchatting, and texting some more. House is a mess. Like, beyond gross mess. Papers still ungraded. People--my kids--neglected.
We are only as sick as our secrets. I'm telling. Removing the shame. Judge me if you will. I am so far from perfect I have no comprehension of how to possibly attempt getting there. I'm admitting. I'm making the first step.
I can't remember how to make me focus and do. I used to only focus and do. Now I'm distracted and never done. Balance. Where is balance? Where is self-discipline? Where is caring about things that are actually important more than--this stuff? It gives me a high. It was new and I was obsessed and now I've had my fix and need to stop. They keep coming, though, and I want them to.
Step 1: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
Step 1, check.
Step 2: Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.
Okay, step two. Bring it on. He needs to be my number one fella and the one I turn to first and foremost. He loves me the most and treats me like a queen, because that's what He wants me to become. Because that is the way He sees me. I am precious to Him. He needs to be my priority because in making Him first, all else falls much more easily into place. I need Him every day, every second. I can't be this, do this, I can't succeed at this life without Him. But with Him I am exceptional. In His arms I am safe and in His love I am whole. No one else can do all of that for me, no matter how hard I try to get them to. Only Him.
Okay, now I am remembering. Now I am focusing. Next step, one step at a time, sometimes only baby steps, but always moving forward, always looking up, always remembering Him.
Stay focused on Him.
I love this so much! You are pretty dang cute, I'm not gonna lie! Then add your personality?? Those guys are smart to want to be around you!! But yes, we all get pulled into distractions, no matter what they are. Thank you for allowing me to face mine and deal with them head-on!
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