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Today I spent nearly an hour in the resource officer's office at my work, sobbing. I recently found out more things I was being accused of, more things that were being said about me, more ridiculousness I'm going to have to deal with. I'm so tired. I hate him so much. I want him to go away forever and leave us alone. He's been on the attack the last few days. He's getting sneakier, so apologetic, so humble, so confused as he messages and messages and messages me. I tell him to stop and he stops, for a while. Just long enough I don't know if I have grounds to report him for the protective order violation. It's all just enough about the kids, I'm not sure if he's violating the order or not. "I'm fit as a Fidel," he texts me. Appropriate misspelling. He is like a manipulative, dictatorial Fidel, an infidel. He is "fit as a Fidel" and doesn't need treatment, he says. The kids shouldn't be scared of him. They don't need supervision. Our son is supposed to sleep over with him. "Please let me see my kids," he says, even though he hasn't asked for them at all his last four visitations. Suddenly, it's all my fault that he has chosen not to see them. It's all my fault that he has destroyed his relationship with his children, even though every visitation with him traumatized them in some way. It's all my fault, all my fault, all my fault.

I haven't been trying to hide my dating anymore. I hold hands with a guy in Walmart and people see me. I have a male friend over at my house and we hug goodbye in my front yard. I'm sure the ex hears things and freaks out accordingly. Apparently, I am using men to commit fraudulent acts somehow. I am employing men to hack his accounts. I am breaking into his house and getting onto his computer. I actually do kind of wonder what he is doing on his computer that he wants to blame me for

Mostly and all the time, I just wish he would go away. So, so tired. Again. People tell me what he says about me. People tell me what he does. Mostly, it doesn't bother me. People who believe him are fools and I don't have time or patience for them. But sometimes, it does hurt. Sometimes, I end up talking with someone who doesn't know me and only knows him and they fear me. This saddens me and it hurts. This all happened today. Someone feared me. I heard more things about what was being said about me. He has been on the attack. I had to take a time out. It's okay to take time outs. It's okay to feel angry and sad and frustrated and helpless. It's okay to cry and cry and cry. Right now, it's okay to hate him. I have to process it, accept it, and then let it go.

And I'm never alone.

In the midst of my breakdown, I got a text message. My sister sent me a link to a talk by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf called "He Will Place You on His Shoulders and Carry You Home." My sister did not know I was sitting there, feeling overwhelmed and sobbing and praying so, so hard. My sister did not know this, but Heavenly Father did, and he used her to speak to me. She loves me. So many people love me. So many people know me and know what and who I really am. I don't like it that some choose to believe gossip and lies. I don't like it that some are fooled by his manipulation. But I can't do anything about that except be myself and know that I am not those things he says. I am kind. I am patient. I am loving. I am good. I am exceptional.

My sister loves me and so many people love me and I love me and my Heavenly Father loves me more than all of those combined. That's all I need to care about. The rest, I will give to Him and hope they can find peace and healing for themselves, because I will find it and keep it for me.

I cry at school, I talk to friends, I write things out, I process through. And I get stronger. I get better. I progress.

And I never give up.