Back and Forth

I'm experiencing a time of great change. I'm about to embark into a state of huge transitions professionally, physically, and emotionally. It's so easy to get overwhelmed. It's so easy to become afraid. As I embark into the unknown, I encounter challenges to overcome and needs to meet. It pushes me to seek new avenues for problem-solving. It feels dark and uncertain, but without the darkness, I wouldn't be pushing myself to find new light.

I feel weary of limiting myself and worrying. I want to let go and let God. This is extremely difficult for me, as it is for many people. I feel the whisperings that we are in His hands. I have the faith, sometimes, that all will be well if I just let Him take control. Then I try to figure out my finances and the reality supersedes the faith and I stumble and feel afraid. Sometimes, I walk on water with him, and sometimes I let myself sink.

I struggle to know exactly how much to do myself and how much to get out of His way. I must figure out a way to make more money. Do I do that by pursuing things now, or do I look for another job later? I feel frustrated that my career is not enough to support my family. Do I veer into a whole new course or muscle through with something secure and predictable? I am unsure and unsatisfied. 

And then.

I breathe and quiet my mind. I focus just on today and right now. I pray and ponder and try to give myself over to the One who knows best. I try to trust. It works, for a minute. For now, I'll take the minutes I can get. I'll work to re-shift my focus over and over to a mindset that doesn't feel trapped or afraid, but calm and centered. I'll try to remember how to get there over and over until it gets easier to find.

Today, it's harder to find. Tomorrow, we shall see.