Slow and Steady
I still have some anxieties to deal with. My ex violated the protective order again by sending me a nasty text message. I'm dealing with the court fallout from that. Of course his story is that his angry ex-girlfriend is the one who sent it. He always has such good stories. Anything to avoid accountability.
He hasn't directly communicated with me at all since then. When he needs to know something, he goes through one of the kids. I don't really like that they are the go-betweens, but I check in with them and ask how they feel about it. There isn't a whole lot of communication needed, so they aren't too stressed out about it. Like so many things in life, it's not ideal, but it's what is working for now. My youngest graduates in two years. Then there will be no more need for communication at all. Hopefully.
I've been handling the ex-husband and court anxiety much better this round. I need to acknowledge and give myself credit for that. I still have the worries. When he and his lawyer push off the court date yet again, the worries creep in about what they could possibly be planning or how he's going to attack me next. But then I have to remind myself that he is the one who broke the law, and the protective order is still in place. I will make sure my voice is heard in this case. I'm not so meek and helpless as I was before. I know I have to speak up to protect myself, because the systems won't automatically do that for me. I know that now, and knowledge is power.
I remind myself of these things every time the worry seeps in. I look at the worry, let it know I see and hear it, and then let it know that once something actually happens, I'll conquer it at that point. But it can't sit and fester and poison me long term. That's not allowed anymore.
This big move coming up has me worried about money. But each time I pray about what to do, I feel like things will fall into place. I feel like Heavenly Father is mindful of me and will be in charge. This is comforting, but it's also nerve-wracking because I'm still working on relinquishing control and trusting and having faith. I'll figure it out, though, because I'm back in the space where I don't give up. I never truly left that space, but it feels more solid under my feet. At least for now.
This morning, during my meditation and yoga, I felt lots of gratitude. Yes, I have the worry things and the pressure things and the stress things, but my life is actually very good. I have my mind and my body and my children and my knowledge of the gospel. I wake up each morning knowing I will have enough to eat, and I go to sleep each night feeling safe and loved. Some people--way too many people--don't have that.
I'm working on creating a space where I can be solid enough spiritually and mentally and physically to be there more for those people. I'm continuing to learn how to take enough time to feed my own soul so I have enough spilling over to fuel others. I'm getting a little bit better at it. It's slow progress.
But it's real.
I'm feeling better today. We'll see what happens next.
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