Jolt

I'm back in the space where feeling doesn't make sense. Existing is confusing. I can't remember the purpose. I need something big. A jolt. I'm tired.


The moment came where I noticed a choice. The precipice of madness is real. I saw the darkness and I considered tipping. I wanted it. I still do. To have the responsibilities dissipate. To be released from the weight. I want it. I had a choice and the choice scared me, so I pulled away from it. I wrenched myself away from the precipice, but I remember it. It's alluring. 


I rocked back and forth, sobbing. I stroked my soft blanket, rubbing it with my hands, my arms, my legs. Anywhere that skin touched fabric, I stroked it. I tried to breathe. I prayed. The darkness got very big. It got very strong. I wanted to jump in, but I wouldn't let myself. Always the discipline. Always the holding back. Always the stopping myself. So. Much. Self. Control. I. Hate. It. I pulled myself back to the light. Shhh, I told myself. Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, still rocking back and forth. Stroking the softness of the blanket as if it was my own soul. You're okay. You're okay. You're okay. 

You're okay, I lie to my soul as I stroke the blanket.

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