Micki in Miami

Miami was amazing. It was healing, powerful, exciting, relaxing, and replenishing. I learned so much and had some important realizations. Things started off really rough, which was a sign of how important and necessary this trip was for me. The adversary did not want it to happen. My parents were taking me to the airport, and we got stuck in standstill traffic on the freeway for hours because of an accident. I missed my flight. This was extremely disheartening because it seemed to fit the destructive mindset I frequently maintained: bad things happen when I put myself first. However, with encouragement from my parents and after a few tears, I found a later flight and barely made it in time. But I made it.

I didn't feel any trepidation or stress about being alone. I don't fear people or the world in general. It felt liberating more than anything. I only had to take care of myself. What a strange, exhilarating feeling it was. I made it to my hotel and got changed for the beach. I took myself on my first ever date, which was wonderful, and enjoyed the ocean. My ocean. I love her so much.

The weekend was filled with moments of exploration and curiosity. It was full of quietness and meditation. It was full of discovering myself. I love setting free my baby girl inside of myself. I love seeing the world anew, as a child. I love freeing myself and feeding myself with acceptance and love. It's been a long time. I hope I don't lose track of that again.

I must maintain this replenished feeling. I'm working to recognize those things that drain me, and those things that fuel me. I'm learning about my people-pleasing tendencies and how to curb them into something healthy, something effective. I'm shedding additional layers of burdens I've been holding that don't need to be mine. I've learned I love meditation and quiet time. I've learned I love connecting and grounding and seeking discernment in that quiet. I knew it was important before, but now I know how much I want it for myself. I must seek those moments every day.

I don't want to go back to the status quo. I don't want all the progress I made on this trip to dissipate. Changes must be made. I must say no to things I've previously agreed to do. I must seek out opportunities for exploration and discovery that I would usually turn down. I must be an example for my kids of balance, calm, and joyfulness. Not in a way where I pressure myself to be this for them, but in a way where I exude these things naturally so they can feel them, too. 

Remember:

    Seek quiet and solitude. Seek discernment. Breathe, breathe with the ocean.

    Treat myself with the love and adoration I want a future partner to treat me with.    

    Release the baby girl inside. Curiosity, discovery, joy, authenticity in expression and emotion. Let her be seen and let her be heard. Prioritize her. Genesis. Emergence. Love. Forgiveness.

Muchas gracias, Miami.

My journal entries from the week:

5/1/21

I'm sorry, and I love you.

My mantra for meditation today. I heard my inner baby girl. That's what she needed. To be heard. I heard her crying and instead of shushing her, instead of neglecting her, instead of putting her last, I held her and released her, let her out. She/We cried and cried. Lots of pain. Lots of neglect. Lots of years of being silenced and neglected. Lots of years of being shunted to the side and ignored. I would never, ever do that to someone else, but I did it to the most important person in my life over and over and over again. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't realize. But it still wasn't okay. I'm sorry, and I love you. I'll show you. I'll prove it to you. I'll take care of you, prioritize you. Now that I know, I'll do better. And I'll forgive you-me. I forgive and love and cherish myself. New dawn. New day. Fresh start. Fresh perspective.

New beginning.

Genesis: the origin, start, or point at which something comes into being.

Emergence: the process of coming into view or becoming exposed after being concealed. The process of coming into being, or of becoming important or prominent.

5/5/21

I wore my white bikini on the beach today. The one I bought just after my divorce. It's symbolic to me as so many things are. Each time I have a new discovery, a new awakening, take a new step, I seem to celebrate with it. My therapist sent me a note today. In it, he quoted another therapist, Virginia Satir, who said, "I want you to get excited about who you are, what you are, what you have, and what can still be for you. I want to inspire you to see that you can go far beyond where you are right now." Reading those words gets me emotional. It's what I want for myself, too. It's what I've been working on, and what I've been achieving. Those words are thrilling to me. I'm excited to continue to work on internalizing and owning and becoming those things.

He also sent another quote by Milton Erickson: "Allow yourself to see what you won't allow yourself to see." I'm working on that one, too. It will be life-long, but I'll work to make it a consistent thing to be still. To meditate. To listen. To prioritize those things. To celebrate myself. 

I've absolutely loved releasing my baby girl inside. Not only to heal and process, but to play and explore. It's been so long since I've allowed curiosity and exploration to drive me. Watching the little kids at the beach has been my favorite observation. They're teaching me. They're reminding me. Everything is exciting. Everything is fun. And, even when it isn't fun, they're honest about how they're feeling. It's beautiful. I want to be beautiful, too. Some adults have also conquered this. Laughing and playing and rolling in the waves and on the sand. It's delightful. I think I'll join them all.

She breathes
Each rolling tide an inhale
Each cresting wave a release
Her breath holds power
Her existence majestic
She is a reminder
Of all that can be.