A+

Today is a congratulations to me kind of day. I've conquered some major hurdles, and I am giving myself a well-deserved pat on the back, gold star on my forehead, and big, fat A+ on my report card.

Firstly, I just mailed the last payment of a massive debt that has been weighing on me for the last four years. Hallelujah!

Nextly--and this is the biggest "yay me!" of the year--I have a man in my life who is more broken and shattered than nearly anyone I have ever known, and...

I'm not in love with him!

Ha ha haaaa!

Whoopeeeee!

Yahoooooo!

I'm being completely serious. Do you understand what a mountain this is for me to conquer? I didn't realize how proud I should be of myself until I was talking to a girlfriend the other day about her problems. Suddenly, I realized I had been able to maintain a vulnerable and close relationship with this man while also staying peacefully in my own space. THAT IS A HUGE DEAL FOR ME. I didn't feel responsible to try and control his feelings or even try to make him feel better. I just sat in those spaces with him, let myself be an anchor in his storm, and maintained my own happy.

Granted, there were some wobbly moments. I had some pep talks to myself to stay grounded and not get swept up in codependency and the pretend love that my emotions create out of it. But those moments didn't happen very often, and it has been fairly easy--almost natural--for me to stay healthy with him.

This would have been IMPOSSIBLE for me to do four years ago. Or even six months ago. I've studied and worked and worked and studied and worked. And I passed one of the tests.

Here's to me.

Here's to progress.

Here's to healing.

Here's to a healthy, unconditional, Christlike kind of love. I glimpse it every so often. I'm able to give it every so often. It feels nice. It feels real.

Here's to my forever partner who has filled in the dark spaces of my soul with his healing wherever I have let him in.

I still have work to do. So much work to do. I'm even now being shown the additional cracks and chasms that still need filling. But when I look back and see all that has already been made whole, I can face what is to come with a smile on my face and a determination in my stride. 

I don't fear my darkness. I don't fear hard work. The only thing I fear is not giving my all to being my best self, to not letting the Savior continue to guide and support and heal and succor me. I'll face the hard work head on and acknowledge my weaknesses and work to be better.

But for right now, in this little moment, I'm very, very proud of me. :)


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