Gratitude
I just read through a few of my past blog posts. I almost don't recognize that person. She breaks my heart a little bit, and I want to make sure she never has to go back to those spaces again.
I have vastly different perspectives and mindsets and coping mechanisms, now. I feel...healthy. I'm so grateful I have documented what I have documented. I'm so grateful for the work I have put into things and the continuing progress I am making. I can be there for other people on a much larger scale, and I can do so in a healthier space than I have ever occupied before. This blesses them and myself much more effectively.
Now, I'm in a space where our biggest traumas and trials are teenage angst, battles with grades, and troubles with friendship. I argue with my daughter, get exasperated with my son, and underneath it all--I'm kind of having fun. I've said it before and I'll say it forever: perspective is powerful. Having known how it feels to fear for the safety of myself and my children makes irritation at a sink constantly full of dishes quite blase.
I feel a little anxious with how well things are going, to be honest. I feel a pressure to do and be more in order to not tempt the powers that be to compel me to be humble. I want to be in a headspace where I'm not so constantly busy and overwhelmed that I can't make time to be there for others when they need me and take care of my responsibilities to the best of my ability, but I also don't want to get too complacent.
Soon after my 37th birthday, I made a list of 40 things I want to do before I'm 40. They range from spiritual to physical to mental to silly. I want to learn how to play pool. I want to get my passport and use it. I want to go 40 consecutive days without eating any sugar. I want to attend the temple 40 times. And I want to write a book.
It's a fun list, and I've already checked off some items. It keeps me focused on moving forward. It helps me not sit still too long and get too bored, but it's something that doesn't create stress or anxiety. Except for the book part. I can't figure out what to write yet. Fiction or nonfiction? For adults or kids? What should be the theme? How should I organize it? But that's fun stress. Self-inflicted stress. Good stress.
I do know the current theme for my life, though. It's peace and calm but also motivation and ambition. And, more than anything, it's gratitude. Let's see what happens next!
I have vastly different perspectives and mindsets and coping mechanisms, now. I feel...healthy. I'm so grateful I have documented what I have documented. I'm so grateful for the work I have put into things and the continuing progress I am making. I can be there for other people on a much larger scale, and I can do so in a healthier space than I have ever occupied before. This blesses them and myself much more effectively.
Now, I'm in a space where our biggest traumas and trials are teenage angst, battles with grades, and troubles with friendship. I argue with my daughter, get exasperated with my son, and underneath it all--I'm kind of having fun. I've said it before and I'll say it forever: perspective is powerful. Having known how it feels to fear for the safety of myself and my children makes irritation at a sink constantly full of dishes quite blase.
I feel a little anxious with how well things are going, to be honest. I feel a pressure to do and be more in order to not tempt the powers that be to compel me to be humble. I want to be in a headspace where I'm not so constantly busy and overwhelmed that I can't make time to be there for others when they need me and take care of my responsibilities to the best of my ability, but I also don't want to get too complacent.
Soon after my 37th birthday, I made a list of 40 things I want to do before I'm 40. They range from spiritual to physical to mental to silly. I want to learn how to play pool. I want to get my passport and use it. I want to go 40 consecutive days without eating any sugar. I want to attend the temple 40 times. And I want to write a book.
It's a fun list, and I've already checked off some items. It keeps me focused on moving forward. It helps me not sit still too long and get too bored, but it's something that doesn't create stress or anxiety. Except for the book part. I can't figure out what to write yet. Fiction or nonfiction? For adults or kids? What should be the theme? How should I organize it? But that's fun stress. Self-inflicted stress. Good stress.
I do know the current theme for my life, though. It's peace and calm but also motivation and ambition. And, more than anything, it's gratitude. Let's see what happens next!
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