World

All the things again.

Monday, I woke to discover 50 people had died in a mass shooting in Vegas. My sister lives in Vegas. My other sister and a bunch of my friends were in Vegas at a concert the night before the shooting, at the very hotel the shooter was found. Life.

This afternoon, my student passed out in my arms and I had to leave her on the bathroom floor to run and get help. She's going to be okay, but my students are my babies and it scared me.

This evening, a different student who had been fighting for her life this week joined her Heavenly Father. I lost one of my babies and my heart hurts.

Oh yeah, and my friend asked me to marry him. Men.

All the life things. I'm glad it was an at-home day today. I don't get those very often, but I got to be at home today after school. I cried for my student and her family; I shook my head at people and relationships and how messy they are. I considered what I can do to save the world. How to spread light and love. How to lift others.

But I don't have much for anyone right now. My son wants me to do all the things for him. I hate sixth grade homework. My daughter wants to tell me to do all the things for her. I'm weary of teenage...teenage-ness. My friend wants me to be his wife! Silly boys. I'm tired. Bed sounds nice. It's okay to have down days. Processing days. Weary days. It's okay. Take those days and wake with the new day, the new energy, the new ambition. But for now, goodnight crazy, weary, ridiculous, aching world. We shall be revitalized and be friends again with the sunrise. Today, I don't like you very much and am happy to escape you with slumber.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feasting

Image
I'm on a quest, of late. I've been delving into the depths of doctrine and discovering myself inside of it. (Nice alliteration there, eh? Just didn't want you to miss it.) That is my quest, to find me. I want to know as much as I can about who I was before and what I am to become. This quest is filling up many of those pieces of me that sat empty for so long from mere spiritual and emotional exhaustion. Now that I am awakening, I am studying the doctrines of the gospel, searching the scriptures, reading the words of the modern day prophets with a hunger that I haven't felt before. It's like feasting in a banquet hall. Everyone else is there, too. We all have this delectable feast before us, and it fascinates me how so many of us still just nibble at the edges when there is so much there to fill us. So many others scrounge around on the floor, licking up crumbs that others have dropped when all we need to do is look up and make the effort to feed ourselves. I under
Read more

Save Me a Seat

He didn't save me a seat at the table. For me, that's when it really started. For him, I guess it had been going on for months before that with him feeling pressured into things he wasn't ready for with the engagement and the wedding plans. I thought simply allowing him more time would be enough. I thought we were still trying to work things out as a couple but taking a time out to think and heal and reorient. I feel like such an idiot. I felt so humiliated that night when he didn't save me a seat in front of all of our coworkers who still thought we were engaged. We had talked about not making it awkward for everyone and very first thing, he didn't save me a seat. Then, we talked and resolved it and I thought we were reconciling. I started wearing the ring again. He went on his solo trip and thought about things and came home ready to commit and set a date. Then two days later he got stuck in his head again and started making up stories about how I don't give h
Read more

She is Me

Image
Too many bad days in a row. He's been on the attack too many days in a row. He demands too much. He expects everything from everyone and recognizes the boundaries and feelings of no one. The kids have learned they have a choice. They've learned they have a voice. They are making themselves heard. He doesn't like it. "It's my turn and I'm in charge," he texted me. The kids don't care if he thinks he's in charge. They protect themselves. It makes him mad. I'm proud of them, but it's hard on me. I'm used to giving in to him to calm him down. I'm used to doing whatever it takes to make him happy and make him go away. It wears me out. Even though it's good for them to stand up for themselves, a tiny piece of me wants them to give in and just go stay with him so he'll stop. They're right to stand firm in their boundaries and what they feel is safe. I will never take that from them for my own superficial facade of peace. Thei
Read more