See

I'm not afraid to be in my own head anymore.

For a while, a long while, I could only feel safe in my own head when I was writing. The rest of the time I ran away from my head. Too many thoughts, feelings, too much spinning. I didn't realize how much I ran away from my own head until I stopped.

I live 45 minutes away from the nearest city. Yesterday, I drove all the way down to town and all the way back in silence. I used to always need distraction: music, listening to stories, chatting on the phone. None of those things are unhealthy, but I used them to distract, to run away. Yesterday, on my way to and from town, I thought about life, people, dreams, God. I thought about what I want to have, who I want to be. I thought about how to get and be those things.

I remember things better, now, too. I remember things on my list that I forgot.  I remember things people tell me about themselves. I remember to think of others in general. There is more space in my head when I spend more time there.

Sometimes, I still get spinny, though, and I have to take a break from my head. But I'm not afraid of it anymore. Healing. Progress. Coming back to myself. It feels nice.

I was worried about being bored after school got out. I was worried about having too much time to spend in my head. I am learning how much control I really have and what a happy space it is inside my head. I am learning to focus on positivity, to focus on what I have and what I want rather than what I don't have and what I don't want.

I'm learning that, whenever I start having those feelings of being depressed or feeling a lack, I can replace them. I have that power.

I'm learning about visualization and the law of attraction. I'm also learning there are certain things I don't want that I thought I did. Yesterday, I practiced some serious visualization. I worked to create an image in my mind of what I want in my life. It was interesting to note how I could easily visualize things I truly want, and it was more difficult to visualize the things I feel I'm supposed to want, but don't actually want or am not ready for right now (e.g. a spouse).

But I was easily able to visualize myself, strong, independent, a beacon of light and hope and truth. I could visualize my children healthy, powerful, competent and changing the world. I could visualize all those things I truly want for myself and see myself having them, for I do have them, on the good days. I can recognize that, now. I will work to remember I have what I want, I am what I need, and I can and will keep moving forward.

It's nice to be happy in my head.