Deserve
I broke two hearts this week.
This dating thing is so messy. But, as always, I'm learning lots of things.
I'm learning how to be cautious, but also authentic. I'm learning I don't have to return the same kind of energy I'm receiving from them if I don't feel like reciprocating it.
I'm learning how to maintain my boundaries, and how it's not worth it when I don't.
I'm learning to finally internalize the lesson that consistently maintaining my own boundaries, even when I don't want to, honors others as well.
It's hard work, though, to remember these things.
But I feel good about myself. I'm glad that I am confident and genuine and kind and happy and fun. I'm glad that I am someone who is attractive to men. I feel flattered when they keep coming around, even when I have told them it's not going to work out. But it also makes me sad.
I feel sad that they keep coming back because they can't find anything else that "measures up." They claim they can't find anyone else with self-respect who isn't also bitter and jaded. I know that can't be true, though. There have to be other confident, happy, good women out there. But, from what I hear from men, those women are either in hiding, or they transform into different kinds of creatures when beset with temptation.
I sound so cocky, like I am so wonderful and have these sky high expectations and keep turning those imperfect swain away in droves. That's not really how it is. I simply want a kind, courageous man who can take me to the temple. I have not been able to find one yet. There are many men who are kind and patient. Many men who claim to be fearless. Many who are willing to treat me like a queen and do anything I ask. There are also many who are creeps and only want to get into my pants. I filter them out fairly quickly.
I thought for a little bit that I could have my cake and eat it, too. I thought I could play and flirt and make emotional connections with men and keep them around until I found the one I really wanted.
I can't do that. It's mean.
It's the epitome of playing games, leading them on. Even when I straightforwardly say--and I always do--that we are not going anywhere because they can't give me what I really want, they still think they can woo me and make me see them as more important than my beliefs, than my standards, than the integral part of the core of who I am. They think they'll be able to make me forget that because they have gotten other women to forget that. No wonder they keep coming back.
I get it, though. We are lonely. We are tired of trying and having no results. We are weary of desperately seeking "the one" and being let down time and time again. Those of us with self-respect frequently take ourselves out of the game. It's easier to resist temptation when we're not tempted. It's easier to just stop trying than to be disappointed and deal with the drama and games. I thought there would be less drama and games dating as mid-single adults. I thought we'd be more emotionally mature, now, and better at communicating.
Ha ha ha!
I'm still naive in some respects, but I'm learning.
I have a friend who has been divorced for several years and who just got engaged. I asked her what her tips were for "catching a man." She said "Be yourself, and then be very picky." I have to agree.
I'm finally getting to the point where I'd rather be alone than settle. I'm finally getting to the point where I have enough courage to simply say no to someone if I don't feel like we'll work out. I'm not completely there yet. There are some who keep coming back and I let them because I feel good when they compliment me and spoil me and treat me like I feel like I deserve. But I'm fooling myself in even that, because what I truly deserve is someone who will respect my standards and not think he can topple me from the pedestal he has placed me upon. I deserve someone who will honor and protect my virtue as the sacred thing it is. I deserve someone who is my equal or better in his love of God and desire for eternal companionship over carnal satisfaction.
He'll find me. I've been praying that he'll find me, and God promises us that He will give us what we ask for in faith and righteousness. I have to wait on God's timing and, in the meantime, keep on working to become the someone who deserves the someone who deserves me.
In the midst of all this, I work to stay focused on what truly matters. My spirit is very good at letting me know when I am off balance, when I'm giving too much attention to my social life and not enough to my children or my work or my spiritual self. I get off balance sometimes, but then I remember and refocus and get my priorities straight. I am so far from perfect. I forget and have to remember over and over again. I am human and I am making mistakes, but I am also making progress.
With faith and determination, I'll keep trying. I'll keep waiting.
I'll never give in, and I'll never give up.
This dating thing is so messy. But, as always, I'm learning lots of things.
I'm learning how to be cautious, but also authentic. I'm learning I don't have to return the same kind of energy I'm receiving from them if I don't feel like reciprocating it.
I'm learning how to maintain my boundaries, and how it's not worth it when I don't.
I'm learning to finally internalize the lesson that consistently maintaining my own boundaries, even when I don't want to, honors others as well.
It's hard work, though, to remember these things.
But I feel good about myself. I'm glad that I am confident and genuine and kind and happy and fun. I'm glad that I am someone who is attractive to men. I feel flattered when they keep coming around, even when I have told them it's not going to work out. But it also makes me sad.
I feel sad that they keep coming back because they can't find anything else that "measures up." They claim they can't find anyone else with self-respect who isn't also bitter and jaded. I know that can't be true, though. There have to be other confident, happy, good women out there. But, from what I hear from men, those women are either in hiding, or they transform into different kinds of creatures when beset with temptation.
I sound so cocky, like I am so wonderful and have these sky high expectations and keep turning those imperfect swain away in droves. That's not really how it is. I simply want a kind, courageous man who can take me to the temple. I have not been able to find one yet. There are many men who are kind and patient. Many men who claim to be fearless. Many who are willing to treat me like a queen and do anything I ask. There are also many who are creeps and only want to get into my pants. I filter them out fairly quickly.
I thought for a little bit that I could have my cake and eat it, too. I thought I could play and flirt and make emotional connections with men and keep them around until I found the one I really wanted.
I can't do that. It's mean.
It's the epitome of playing games, leading them on. Even when I straightforwardly say--and I always do--that we are not going anywhere because they can't give me what I really want, they still think they can woo me and make me see them as more important than my beliefs, than my standards, than the integral part of the core of who I am. They think they'll be able to make me forget that because they have gotten other women to forget that. No wonder they keep coming back.
I get it, though. We are lonely. We are tired of trying and having no results. We are weary of desperately seeking "the one" and being let down time and time again. Those of us with self-respect frequently take ourselves out of the game. It's easier to resist temptation when we're not tempted. It's easier to just stop trying than to be disappointed and deal with the drama and games. I thought there would be less drama and games dating as mid-single adults. I thought we'd be more emotionally mature, now, and better at communicating.
Ha ha ha!
I'm still naive in some respects, but I'm learning.
I have a friend who has been divorced for several years and who just got engaged. I asked her what her tips were for "catching a man." She said "Be yourself, and then be very picky." I have to agree.
I'm finally getting to the point where I'd rather be alone than settle. I'm finally getting to the point where I have enough courage to simply say no to someone if I don't feel like we'll work out. I'm not completely there yet. There are some who keep coming back and I let them because I feel good when they compliment me and spoil me and treat me like I feel like I deserve. But I'm fooling myself in even that, because what I truly deserve is someone who will respect my standards and not think he can topple me from the pedestal he has placed me upon. I deserve someone who will honor and protect my virtue as the sacred thing it is. I deserve someone who is my equal or better in his love of God and desire for eternal companionship over carnal satisfaction.
He'll find me. I've been praying that he'll find me, and God promises us that He will give us what we ask for in faith and righteousness. I have to wait on God's timing and, in the meantime, keep on working to become the someone who deserves the someone who deserves me.In the midst of all this, I work to stay focused on what truly matters. My spirit is very good at letting me know when I am off balance, when I'm giving too much attention to my social life and not enough to my children or my work or my spiritual self. I get off balance sometimes, but then I remember and refocus and get my priorities straight. I am so far from perfect. I forget and have to remember over and over again. I am human and I am making mistakes, but I am also making progress.
With faith and determination, I'll keep trying. I'll keep waiting.
I'll never give in, and I'll never give up.
❤❤
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