Precious
Wow, what a ride. This life. It's so fascinating, topsy turvy, all around. What a week. Last weekend, I attended another amazing seminar where I learned some great tools to overcoming fear and taking control of my own happiness and peace.
And boy have I been tested on it this week.
Not in any really big ways. No huge trials or attacks. Kind of. But little things, chip, chip, chipping away at me. Continuing to deal with legal mumbo jumbo. Continuing to deal with people who misunderstand and judge. Continuing to deal with men. Continuing to try and find balance in taking care of me and giving my kids what they need and teaching us all how to be happy and healthy and safe.
Good things happen every day. Happy things happen every day. I must continue to draw lines and enforce boundaries. But even as I fight to maintain my footing and progress, I feel off-kilter again.
Something is swirling and stirring up inside of me. The last two nights I have not been able to sleep. That hasn't happened in a long time. When it has happened, I have known why. This time, I can't quite figure it out. Perhaps it's just another adjustment? Now that I am pushing myself a little harder, my spirit is having growing pains, maybe? Doesn't quite feel like that, though. I feel more like there are additional boundaries I need to implement some how that I am not doing, or a piece of me is surfacing that I do not yet know or understand...I don't know how to explain it. Mucking out more of my demons, I guess.
We talked about demons at seminar. We talked about demons and fear and accepting our darkness. I prayed before seminar that it would help me recognize part of myself that needed to heal that I had not been recognizing. I got what I asked for.
I still claim the victim image.
I denied the label for myself from the get-go, but I still very much employed the mentality. It was one additional way I gave my ex power over me, and, until seminar, I did not recognize I was doing it. I like figuring out these things and turning them into healthy.
I do not share my story with every person I meet, by any means. But people who are close to me--I share with them. And a few others, as I have made new friends. I have lots of divorced friends, now. Everyone thinks their ex is crazy. But when they hear my story, I get a bit of a high from their realizations that my story--my ex--is "special." I feel validated in my trauma and anger and fear and judgment by their reactions to what I have dealt with. I transformed my desire to speak truth into a catalyst for "telling on him" in order to make sure others knew how amazing and strong and empowered I am. I made this happen by vilifying him. In doing this I was still giving him control. I was still making it about him.
But not anymore.
I realized that my demon is not my ex. My demon is the anxiety and stress I feel when I have to deal with him. It's not about him. It's about my reactions to the beliefs I have and the emotions I feel.
Awareness is the first step. And throughout the seminar I worked and worked and processed and wrote and talked and shared and worked some more. While what I have experienced as a result of his choices has played a big part in who I am, I will continue to work to get to a space where my story is about me. My healing, my progress, my path, is all about me.
It's about me. It gets to be about me.
My Wonder Woman metaphor came to mind as I was writing this, as well. In the movie trailer, the best line she states is "What I do is not up to you." It's intended as a defiant phrase. A phrase to show that Wonder Woman will not be controlled by anyone else. This is good. But it took on a new meaning for me, suddenly. Instead of speaking it with defiance, as if fighting against something, I've added an element of realization to it. I see it, not as a combative phrase, but empowered in the way that, "Wow, I can choose to not give you any power over me. I can choose to feel how I want to feel. I can choose to react how I want to react. What I do is not up to you. I am free of your control or influence if I so choose to be."
In relinquishing my ex's or anyone else's control over how I feel, I also free myself from fear.
In freeing myself from fear, I am able to more easily forgive.
I was able to take a big step toward forgiving my ex last weekend as well, and I wrote him a letter. Because of the protective order and his continued inability to hear anything besides his own perspective, I will not be delivering this letter. But I didn't write it for him. I wrote it for me. Someday, I hope to be able to consistently feel and mean everything I say in it. I jerk back and forth a little bit right now, still having a tendency to vilify him and make him the scapegoat of my anxiety. But I am aware, now, and making progress. Someday, I will truly and completely mean all of these words:
To my ex:
I forgive you.
I used to feel so many things. I used to hate you. I used to fear you. I gave you power you do not have and turned you into a monster much greater than you are. I did not create and maintain the boundaries I needed to with you for far too long. I don't understand how you could believe and say the things about me that you have said. I don't understand how you can't see how your actions have and continue to traumatize myself and your children. I don't understand how you can remain so deeply-seated in your delusions when all around you screams the truth. I don't understand how you can't see.
But I don't have to understand.
You are who you are and how you are, and I cannot change that. My healing and happiness cannot depend upon you. My peace cannot depend upon you.
I release you. I release myself from you. I release myself from your influence. I release myself from fear of you. I release you to the only One who can truly help you.
My life gets to be about me, now. From now on, the only things that will get any of my energy are those things that give me light. You are not one of those things.
But I forgive you, and I thank you. I thank you for pushing me to become more fearless and courageous than I thought possible. Thank you for the opportunities for learning and growth. For helping me find my voice. For helping me see the power and value and beauty in being me. Because of the darkness, I have discovered the true value of the light. You helped me discover that.
You should not have done the things you have done. You will be held accountable for those things. But I have chosen to learn and grow and transform into someone more beautiful and empowered than I could have been without the trials I have endured.
I used to resent that all of your progress came at my expense. I used to resent that I had to feel pain in order for you to grow. I now recognize that was my own doing. That me not enforcing my boundaries is what actually caused my pain.
I will no longer protect you from consequences. I will now consistently hold you accountable for your own decisions. And I will no longer feel responsible for the choices you make.
Goodbye. I will have to deal with you for years to come, but I release you and bid you farewell from any hold you have over me. I forgive you, and I thank you for your help in making me who I am.
Most of all, I thank you for helping me learn how precious I am to me.
And boy have I been tested on it this week.
Not in any really big ways. No huge trials or attacks. Kind of. But little things, chip, chip, chipping away at me. Continuing to deal with legal mumbo jumbo. Continuing to deal with people who misunderstand and judge. Continuing to deal with men. Continuing to try and find balance in taking care of me and giving my kids what they need and teaching us all how to be happy and healthy and safe.
Good things happen every day. Happy things happen every day. I must continue to draw lines and enforce boundaries. But even as I fight to maintain my footing and progress, I feel off-kilter again.
Something is swirling and stirring up inside of me. The last two nights I have not been able to sleep. That hasn't happened in a long time. When it has happened, I have known why. This time, I can't quite figure it out. Perhaps it's just another adjustment? Now that I am pushing myself a little harder, my spirit is having growing pains, maybe? Doesn't quite feel like that, though. I feel more like there are additional boundaries I need to implement some how that I am not doing, or a piece of me is surfacing that I do not yet know or understand...I don't know how to explain it. Mucking out more of my demons, I guess.
We talked about demons at seminar. We talked about demons and fear and accepting our darkness. I prayed before seminar that it would help me recognize part of myself that needed to heal that I had not been recognizing. I got what I asked for.
I still claim the victim image.
I denied the label for myself from the get-go, but I still very much employed the mentality. It was one additional way I gave my ex power over me, and, until seminar, I did not recognize I was doing it. I like figuring out these things and turning them into healthy.
I do not share my story with every person I meet, by any means. But people who are close to me--I share with them. And a few others, as I have made new friends. I have lots of divorced friends, now. Everyone thinks their ex is crazy. But when they hear my story, I get a bit of a high from their realizations that my story--my ex--is "special." I feel validated in my trauma and anger and fear and judgment by their reactions to what I have dealt with. I transformed my desire to speak truth into a catalyst for "telling on him" in order to make sure others knew how amazing and strong and empowered I am. I made this happen by vilifying him. In doing this I was still giving him control. I was still making it about him.
But not anymore.
I realized that my demon is not my ex. My demon is the anxiety and stress I feel when I have to deal with him. It's not about him. It's about my reactions to the beliefs I have and the emotions I feel.
Awareness is the first step. And throughout the seminar I worked and worked and processed and wrote and talked and shared and worked some more. While what I have experienced as a result of his choices has played a big part in who I am, I will continue to work to get to a space where my story is about me. My healing, my progress, my path, is all about me.
It's about me. It gets to be about me.
My Wonder Woman metaphor came to mind as I was writing this, as well. In the movie trailer, the best line she states is "What I do is not up to you." It's intended as a defiant phrase. A phrase to show that Wonder Woman will not be controlled by anyone else. This is good. But it took on a new meaning for me, suddenly. Instead of speaking it with defiance, as if fighting against something, I've added an element of realization to it. I see it, not as a combative phrase, but empowered in the way that, "Wow, I can choose to not give you any power over me. I can choose to feel how I want to feel. I can choose to react how I want to react. What I do is not up to you. I am free of your control or influence if I so choose to be."
In relinquishing my ex's or anyone else's control over how I feel, I also free myself from fear.
In freeing myself from fear, I am able to more easily forgive.
I was able to take a big step toward forgiving my ex last weekend as well, and I wrote him a letter. Because of the protective order and his continued inability to hear anything besides his own perspective, I will not be delivering this letter. But I didn't write it for him. I wrote it for me. Someday, I hope to be able to consistently feel and mean everything I say in it. I jerk back and forth a little bit right now, still having a tendency to vilify him and make him the scapegoat of my anxiety. But I am aware, now, and making progress. Someday, I will truly and completely mean all of these words:
To my ex:
I forgive you.
I used to feel so many things. I used to hate you. I used to fear you. I gave you power you do not have and turned you into a monster much greater than you are. I did not create and maintain the boundaries I needed to with you for far too long. I don't understand how you could believe and say the things about me that you have said. I don't understand how you can't see how your actions have and continue to traumatize myself and your children. I don't understand how you can remain so deeply-seated in your delusions when all around you screams the truth. I don't understand how you can't see.
But I don't have to understand.
You are who you are and how you are, and I cannot change that. My healing and happiness cannot depend upon you. My peace cannot depend upon you.
I release you. I release myself from you. I release myself from your influence. I release myself from fear of you. I release you to the only One who can truly help you.
My life gets to be about me, now. From now on, the only things that will get any of my energy are those things that give me light. You are not one of those things.
But I forgive you, and I thank you. I thank you for pushing me to become more fearless and courageous than I thought possible. Thank you for the opportunities for learning and growth. For helping me find my voice. For helping me see the power and value and beauty in being me. Because of the darkness, I have discovered the true value of the light. You helped me discover that.
You should not have done the things you have done. You will be held accountable for those things. But I have chosen to learn and grow and transform into someone more beautiful and empowered than I could have been without the trials I have endured.
I used to resent that all of your progress came at my expense. I used to resent that I had to feel pain in order for you to grow. I now recognize that was my own doing. That me not enforcing my boundaries is what actually caused my pain.
I will no longer protect you from consequences. I will now consistently hold you accountable for your own decisions. And I will no longer feel responsible for the choices you make.
Goodbye. I will have to deal with you for years to come, but I release you and bid you farewell from any hold you have over me. I forgive you, and I thank you for your help in making me who I am.
Most of all, I thank you for helping me learn how precious I am to me.
❤❤
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