Because

Drama has slightly abated, so real life has begun to settle in. That's okay with me. I continue to have energy and stamina to care more about "normal" things--until I drain myself because I still suck at self-care.

But I made some goals.

Nothing huge. Nothing unrealistic. I have an idea of where I want to be, but that is not where I am right now, and that's okay, too. Even if I get to my "ideal," I will not stay there permanently, because I am human and life is cyclical and I am striving for progress, not perfection.

My main goals are big things. I have a main spiritual goal, a main physical goal, and a main temporal (financial) goal. In order to get to my main goals, I have created steps. I haven't listed out all of my steps, just the first one. The first step is all I want to focus on right now, so it is the only one I have listed. I wrote down my goals and my step 1s. I will work on those. Once I feel like I have attained some level of consistency with my step 1, I will analyze where I am versus where I want to be, and decide what my step 2 will be. Each step builds upon the next. After I have progressed a few steps, I will very likely fall down a step or two every so often. My plan is to create a system for myself where I can regain my steps and always be working on something, always be working on some sort of progress.

There are only a few things my program does not leave room for, including shame and lack of self-love. I will fall down some steps sometimes. I will make mistakes. I will be imperfect. Those are not bad things, because each time I fall I will learn something new and build myself into a better person as a result.

I've written my goals and posted them on my bedroom wall. A big part of my goals includes my WHY page. I wrote a small paragraph of my WHY for each of my goals. Goals are wonderful things. It's important to strive to be better, but if we don't understand the point of WHY we are striving to be better, it will be much more difficult to remain disciplined enough to maintain progress.

Discipline. It's nice to not despise that word.

I did for a long while. I hated anything that tried to push me into something I felt I was not. I needed to feel that for a while. I wrote before about how discipline felt more like holding oneself back. At that time, I liked the word direction better. I'm feeling like a combination of the two will provide me the best balance. I'm directing myself in a disciplined way. Now, I'm ready to be more than I am and I'm ready to fight for that, because as I do so others will be inspired to as well. Especially my children. They will see me continue to fight for progress. They will see me struggle and fall and try again. That's a pretty neat thing for them to learn. I didn't talk with them about my personal goals, but they see my bedroom wall. They see that they are a big part of every single why. They are my because.

Because of them and for them and for myself and because I know it's the best thing, I'll keep going and trying. I'm still soaring. My flight path is becoming more solid and real. My direction is more clear. Life is good and going to get better. I'm looking forward to it. Looking forward and upward.