Understand
"I love my life!"
That's what my son said over and over the other day. He used to say things like that all the time. I haven't heard him say it for months. But the other day, he loved his life again. Both of the kids were feeling good about life. At the same time. For an extended period. Miracles.
We had worked together cleaning all that morning, and then some of the neighbors stopped by, dropping off secret Santa gifts. That was happy-making. Then we went sledding for a couple of hours. More happy-making. Then we came home and I made dinner while the kids played nicely together for another long while. They also helped me make dinner. More happy-making.
Happy-making happens again. That peaceful, everything-is-okay, trauma-is-not-around-the-corner-or-hanging-over-our-heads feeling has been making appearances again. How nice.
My kids are still super stars.
I am so proud of them.
I worry still.
They will always have to deal with a father who isn't all there. We had high hopes with this treatment, and there are some improvements. Now, he requests instead of demands, but he still tries to push. He still makes up things in his head that are not true and "misunderstands" what people actually say, what arrangements are actually made, but the kids are less reluctant to speak to him and less reluctant to communicate their own desires to him.
My kids are strong.
But still, some people don't understand them.
Being in the war zone caused my ex to acquire severe post traumatic stress. The constant exposure to life-threatening situations, watching traumatic events repeatedly occur around him and to him--it affected him. That's understandable. He has issues now because of it, and that is understandable, too. Because of the reactions he had, because of the mental and physical injuries he sustained, he was released from the Army, and no one would ever expect him to return to that war zone. No one would ever expect him to visit Ramadi, Iraq every other weekend and one night a week and think he would be just fine. People would not wonder why he had a reaction if he was forced back into that war zone. People would protect him from that and not force him to go back there, because they would understand that environment would feel unhealthy and unsafe for him, even if there were no more IEDs or snipers or insurgents. People would understand.
And yet, people expect my children to suddenly feel safe and comfortable around their father simply because he's their dad and they're "supposed" to love and trust him. People expect my children to immediately forgive him and not have their defenses up because he isn't currently acting like a lunatic.
People don't understand something very important about my children: their father is their war zone.
They don't understand what the kids have seen, what they've been exposed to, what they've dealt with. When I divorced their father, they were freed as well. They put up with the war zone when they were forced to be inside it. They are survivors. But now, they don't want to live in it anymore. They protect themselves the best way they know how. For a while, the best way they knew how to stay safe from their war zone was to keep him away emotionally. To not care about him, to not see him, to not respond to him. That was the only thing they could think of to keep themselves safe--to stay out of the war zone.
Even then, they got thrown into it time and time again, and so they reacted. They defended themselves. Sometimes the bombs dropped and they had to take cover, when he acted like a full-blown lunatic. Sometimes there was no reason for their defenses to be up, but they had their automatic defenses up anyway, because they didn't trust that things were actually safe. They could still sense his fear ruling all his decisions, even when he was "being nice." They could sense the crazy still bubbling underneath, even though others who didn't know him as well only saw a poor, sad father trying to reach out to his children. My kids know better. Yes, he loves them, but he is not safe. He is not sane. They do not trust him.
Having a couple months free of him did us all a world of good. We were able to strengthen ourselves, heal a little bit. Now, the kids will communicate with him just a little bit more than they used to. They will go to gatherings where he is present without massive fits (just little ones). They are making progress in their healing and learning how to communicate better, as their father is. Hopefully, the progress is real. Hopefully, the healing takes hold and is lasting.
Regardless, my kids are becoming so strong that they can keep themselves safe AND healthy, even in their war zone. Not very many are powerful enough to accomplish that.
They have always been intelligent, witty, fun, interesting people. They have always had massive potential for accomplishing much good. But now, because of what they have experienced, they are also courageous protectors not only of themselves, but of others.
My son has always been good at making friends. He has always been kind and helpful and patient. Now, he speaks out when other kids are saying mean things to one another. Now, he tells me about one little boy who ran around at recess, kicking people in the shins, including my son. Each time, the other kids would yelp in pain and yell at the boy to stop, and he would run off, laughing. He did it twice to my son, and my son asked him to stop. The boy would not stop, so, the next time the boy came up to try and kick my son, my son kicked him first. "See? It hurts," he explained to the boy. The boy stopped kicking people, and he and my son are friends. That day, my son taught boundaries and empathy.
My daughter has always been focused and ambitious. For a long while, she wanted to be a gymnastics coach and beautician when she grew up. Then that day in court happened where we did not get to speak and my son went unprotected and it angered her. "How can they do that? How can we fix it so kids can stay safe?" she asked me. I explained how the system works, how judges get to interpret the laws and some judges even create the laws. "I'm going to be a judge," she said. "You have to go to a lot of school for a long time and it costs a lot of money," I informed her. That day, she started saving for law school. She has already saved over two hundred dollars and is working on entrepreneurial ideas to earn more.
No matter what anyone else thinks of them, no matter how much other people try to force or misunderstand them, these kids are exceptional. They are powerful. They are healing and learning and growing.
They are teaching me.
They are able to take hold of their own lives, no matter how out of control things might seem. They are courageous. They will fight and stand for what's right and, even in the midst of all they have been through and are going through they are able, once again,
to love life.
That's what my son said over and over the other day. He used to say things like that all the time. I haven't heard him say it for months. But the other day, he loved his life again. Both of the kids were feeling good about life. At the same time. For an extended period. Miracles.
We had worked together cleaning all that morning, and then some of the neighbors stopped by, dropping off secret Santa gifts. That was happy-making. Then we went sledding for a couple of hours. More happy-making. Then we came home and I made dinner while the kids played nicely together for another long while. They also helped me make dinner. More happy-making.
Happy-making happens again. That peaceful, everything-is-okay, trauma-is-not-around-the-corner-or-hanging-over-our-heads feeling has been making appearances again. How nice.
My kids are still super stars.
I am so proud of them.
I worry still.
They will always have to deal with a father who isn't all there. We had high hopes with this treatment, and there are some improvements. Now, he requests instead of demands, but he still tries to push. He still makes up things in his head that are not true and "misunderstands" what people actually say, what arrangements are actually made, but the kids are less reluctant to speak to him and less reluctant to communicate their own desires to him.
My kids are strong.
But still, some people don't understand them.
Being in the war zone caused my ex to acquire severe post traumatic stress. The constant exposure to life-threatening situations, watching traumatic events repeatedly occur around him and to him--it affected him. That's understandable. He has issues now because of it, and that is understandable, too. Because of the reactions he had, because of the mental and physical injuries he sustained, he was released from the Army, and no one would ever expect him to return to that war zone. No one would ever expect him to visit Ramadi, Iraq every other weekend and one night a week and think he would be just fine. People would not wonder why he had a reaction if he was forced back into that war zone. People would protect him from that and not force him to go back there, because they would understand that environment would feel unhealthy and unsafe for him, even if there were no more IEDs or snipers or insurgents. People would understand.
And yet, people expect my children to suddenly feel safe and comfortable around their father simply because he's their dad and they're "supposed" to love and trust him. People expect my children to immediately forgive him and not have their defenses up because he isn't currently acting like a lunatic.
People don't understand something very important about my children: their father is their war zone.
They don't understand what the kids have seen, what they've been exposed to, what they've dealt with. When I divorced their father, they were freed as well. They put up with the war zone when they were forced to be inside it. They are survivors. But now, they don't want to live in it anymore. They protect themselves the best way they know how. For a while, the best way they knew how to stay safe from their war zone was to keep him away emotionally. To not care about him, to not see him, to not respond to him. That was the only thing they could think of to keep themselves safe--to stay out of the war zone.
Even then, they got thrown into it time and time again, and so they reacted. They defended themselves. Sometimes the bombs dropped and they had to take cover, when he acted like a full-blown lunatic. Sometimes there was no reason for their defenses to be up, but they had their automatic defenses up anyway, because they didn't trust that things were actually safe. They could still sense his fear ruling all his decisions, even when he was "being nice." They could sense the crazy still bubbling underneath, even though others who didn't know him as well only saw a poor, sad father trying to reach out to his children. My kids know better. Yes, he loves them, but he is not safe. He is not sane. They do not trust him.
Having a couple months free of him did us all a world of good. We were able to strengthen ourselves, heal a little bit. Now, the kids will communicate with him just a little bit more than they used to. They will go to gatherings where he is present without massive fits (just little ones). They are making progress in their healing and learning how to communicate better, as their father is. Hopefully, the progress is real. Hopefully, the healing takes hold and is lasting.
Regardless, my kids are becoming so strong that they can keep themselves safe AND healthy, even in their war zone. Not very many are powerful enough to accomplish that.
They have always been intelligent, witty, fun, interesting people. They have always had massive potential for accomplishing much good. But now, because of what they have experienced, they are also courageous protectors not only of themselves, but of others.
My son has always been good at making friends. He has always been kind and helpful and patient. Now, he speaks out when other kids are saying mean things to one another. Now, he tells me about one little boy who ran around at recess, kicking people in the shins, including my son. Each time, the other kids would yelp in pain and yell at the boy to stop, and he would run off, laughing. He did it twice to my son, and my son asked him to stop. The boy would not stop, so, the next time the boy came up to try and kick my son, my son kicked him first. "See? It hurts," he explained to the boy. The boy stopped kicking people, and he and my son are friends. That day, my son taught boundaries and empathy.
My daughter has always been focused and ambitious. For a long while, she wanted to be a gymnastics coach and beautician when she grew up. Then that day in court happened where we did not get to speak and my son went unprotected and it angered her. "How can they do that? How can we fix it so kids can stay safe?" she asked me. I explained how the system works, how judges get to interpret the laws and some judges even create the laws. "I'm going to be a judge," she said. "You have to go to a lot of school for a long time and it costs a lot of money," I informed her. That day, she started saving for law school. She has already saved over two hundred dollars and is working on entrepreneurial ideas to earn more.
No matter what anyone else thinks of them, no matter how much other people try to force or misunderstand them, these kids are exceptional. They are powerful. They are healing and learning and growing.
They are able to take hold of their own lives, no matter how out of control things might seem. They are courageous. They will fight and stand for what's right and, even in the midst of all they have been through and are going through they are able, once again,
to love life.
You have amazing kids. It's because they have an amazing mother!
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