Spinning

Well, I no longer want to shoot him. I consider that a good sign. I still will, if I have to, but I no longer have pieces of me that wish for him to show up and threaten me so I have a good reason to end him. That's a good thing.

I felt myself slipping into a dark place. Every day feels like forever to me. This week has lasted a lifetime. I only felt myself slipping for about a day-and-a-half, but that was a very long time. Too long. Long enough to make me afraid of me a little bit.

My judgment isn't super great right now. My mind is sloppy. I am more impulsive and reckless. For me, that means I'm probably at normal levels, because I've always over-thought and over-analyzed things. But now, I don't care as much about consequences. Like I said, probably merely at "normal" levels now, but it's new to me and I don't like it.

The trust is what I miss most. I am a trusting person. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I plan on people doing what they say they'll do. I believe what people tell me.

Until they give me a reason not to.

Right now I don't trust anyone, including myself. I feel a new little shell of hardness encrusting me and I fear it. I want to break it before it comes, but I know I need to allow, feel, and process. For some things, fighting them only makes them worse. This hardness is one of those things I can't figure out what to do with, though.

I received a priesthood blessing from my dad yesterday and in it he said not to fear meekness. I do. I fear meekness and submissiveness. I used to be so "good" at those things and misunderstood them to such proportions that I became a nothing at the hands of others in my attempts to stay "humble." Now I have pride to counteract those things and it is one of the greatest tools of the adversary to make me nice and cozy and content in my pride. My pride keeps me safe. My pride keeps the hurt away. My pride justifies my fear, anger, and hatred.

Once again, I must learn to submit my will to His. I do still want to be His. I do still want that peace and empowerment I had for a minute. I do want that back. I'm tired of battling for it right now, though. I have protected myself so thoroughly, numbed myself so completely I cannot feel pain. But I also cannot feel peace.

Again.

Here I am again. Around and around and around. Spinning and spinning and spinning.
In and out of safe.
In and out of afraid.
In and out of happy.
In and out, up and down.

I will get me back. I will find Him again.

I will still never give up.